About Harry

Chapter 18 - Remorse

It was a long night for them. Ginny had insisted to hear all Harry's life from beginning to end. She wanted to know it all. He was too weak to oppose resistance and anyhow, after the treatment received, she couldn't not being denied. He opened up to her: his joyless childhood, all that he had to confront while at Hogwarts, Cedric's death, Sirius and Dumbledore's death. The confusion, the pain of those years, the struggle. The incessant threat of Voldemort. The fear to die and then the realisation he had to die to finish him off. He told her that he saw her on the Hogwarts ground minutes before going towards death and the yearning at the idea of losing something he hadn't even had the time to start. He told her about his parents, Sirius and Lupin appearing to him to accompany him in his journey and how he survived.
He told her everything and, in the end, he had to admit that she was right. He felt better. Lighter. As if a big weight was lifted from his shoulders. He had never recounted the whole thing to anybody. Hermione and Ron had lived with him most of it, but he had never shared with them all the feelings involved. it was something private that had been harboured in him until then.
Ginny listened attentively without interrupting and without reactions. Only when the tale was at an end she allowed herself a sigh. 'Harry... What can I say...? Now I understand many things... My poor boy...' she murmured taking his hand. After a brief meditation she added 'There is enough to write several books.'
'Not by me surely' he answered forcing a smile 'I'm ok anyway. It was long time ago and I've been happy with you and the kids up to...' he couldn't finish the sentence and looked outside the window. The sun was rising on a foggy, drizzling, dismal morning. The last few days' roller coaster of emotions had left him weak and weary in mind and body.
'We better go to bed' he said longing for some sleep, and he knew that this time, with Ginny on his side, it would have finally been a real resting repose.

When Harry woke up, it was already early afternoon. He was glad to realise that his anger was completely gone but the sense of desolation that had taken its place lingered, spreading in every corner of his mind.
He watched Ginny still sleeping, her chest moving slowly up and down. A deep remorse overpowered him. She was already struggling with Lily's death and had to deal with a dangerous beast and two kids who needed parents more than ever. It mustn't have been easy. He got close and hugged her tenderly. She woke up at the touch and smiled.
Harry's thought was still fixed on his two boys sent at the Burrow in all haste to spare them his madness. 'Ginny, how are James and Albus?' he asked, and her smile dropped instantly.
'Harry...' she raised on one elbow, faltering, not knowing how to approach the subject.
'They are not well. They didn't elaborate what happened. Especially James. They are struggling with the fact that they are not going to see her again. It is the first time they encounter death and...' she paused weighting her words 'they are very afraid of you... They are not old enough to guess what was passing in your head and they don't know enough about you to be able to understand your behaviour. They just saw their dad massacring their uncle and, you know... The kitchen, the blood, the shouting... It was a bit too much to take in, I believe'.
She paused talking for a moment but seeing his desolate expression she resumed 'Mum and dad are taking care of them and they are filling in a bit about your past so they can understand better. Don't worry, it will be all right.'
'This is all my fault. I've done it all wrong. I'm an appalling father, it was from me they had to hear about me' Harry said downcast remembering what Hermione shared with him just a few days before. He wanted to spare them his past, he didn't want them to have to reflect about death or sorrow. He wanted to protect them, but he had been wrong. They needed to know in order to understand. He could have given them tools to deal with what was happening now and he didn't.
She caressed him 'You are not. You are a very good father. And you can see it from how they are growing up to be. You acted based on what you thought was best for them. And we are all humans. Nobody is expecting you to be perfect.' She kissed him tenderly 'I'm going to have a shower.'
As she got up from the bed, she made a grimace. 'What's wrong?' Harry asked perceiving it.
'Nothing' she replied, 'my muscles are a bit sore' and she disappeared in the bathroom.
Harry remained in bed deep in reflection about his boys. He didn't want them to be afraid of him. He had at least to try to fix the situation somehow. However he was aware of having showed to all his family the worst in him and he couldn't expect from the kids the same comprehension and forgiveness that Ginny showed him.
He stood up and made to the bathroom too to wash his face hoping that the cold water could help in clearing up his mind. As he entered Ginny, just out of the shower, covered herself hastily with the towel blurting out 'No Harry don't get inside...' but he was already there.
'What's the matter?' he asked baffled 'It's not the first time I'd see you naked'. And just as he was concluding his sentence his gaze fell on her wrists.
'What...?' he asked gingerly taking one of them to examine it; they were covered by aggressive reddish marks that turned ominously on a violet shade. He understood what they were in a horrible revelatory moment. He took the towel away from her reluctant hands. The internal side of her thighs were covered with same ugly bruises. A sickness built up in him.
'Is...' he asked tentatively 'Was is it me?'
Ginny didn't answer, she took back the towel from him and adjusted it around her.
Harry let her do it, too horror-struck to protest.
'What kind of piece of shit am I...?!' he uttered aghast under his breath.
'Harry, I told you not to worry about it. It's nothing.'
'Nothing!?' he blorted out vexed 'Do you call this "nothing"!?' taking one of her wrists and rising it under her eyes 'I could be arrested for this "nothing"'
He rubbed his face in disbelief. 'Ok, all right. You go to bed and stay there. We have a book somewhere on how to deal with minor injuries and I'm sure there is something about bruises. I'll look it up and I will be back.'
He rushed out looking for it, cursing himself in the meanwhile. He hadn't, until that moment, fully realised his brutality toward her.
Toward the woman I declare to love!
Harry felt scared of himself. There was really an evil-self harboured in him, ready to spring out, and he hadn't been able to control it.
When he got back Ginny was in bed. She was smiling 'You are taking this a bit too seriously. They are just bruises.'
He scowled 'Ginny, you know very well they are not just bruises.'
He took his wand and with the book in the other hand he tried the incantation on her right wrist. It worked amazingly. In a few seconds it was completely absorbed 'I cannot believe I have done this to you' he said continuing with the left one 'I deserve to be beaten mercilessly. Take away the duvet I will do your legs.' And carrying on with spells 'You can ask me anything, anything! and I will do it, no matter what. I'll never forgive myself for this!' as he finished, he covered her back, and sat close to her feeling that being beaten mercilessly could not be considered punishment enough.
'There is something I would like you to do for me' she said wavering.
'Go on! I will do anything you ask me!' he answered eager to redeem himself.
'I want you to get Ron out of Azkaban.'