A Journey Through Time

Chapter 72 - Talk with God Pt. 1

Why don't you talk to me? Why haven't I been present in your life?

I haven't had anyone to talk to and it's hard to talk to someone about what I've been going through. If my friend was here, I would already be talking to her about this but because I've been alone a lot, I haven't talked. I've just been distracting myself.

But why? Why haven't you faced what it is you need to face?

I'm trying. I've done different things to figure out who it is I am. I've read a lot of books. I've watched videos and listened to some podcasts. I've been journaling about it. I want things to change. I don't want my life to continue passing me by.

Then why have you been letting it?

Because I don't know what else to do. I'm stuck at a crossroads and the only thing I can do is sit here until I know what to do next. And then I come up with an idea for a way out and then I end up at the same crossroads again.

If you want a relationship with Me, you have to create it.

I want a relationship with You. You're the only truth I know.

So what are you gonna do? What have you learned?

It doesn't help holding things in. I have to talk about it with someone, even if it means only talking to You about it. I need to talk to You about what's going on with me.

Good. Next we have emotional wellness. So you're depression free?

I hope I am. I don't wanna be depressed again God. And I'm hoping You're the One that finally cured me. All because of a random self help book.

You know the book wasn't random. And it was calling your name for months. Thank you for finally listening to that call.

When my depression faded, it wasn't like a celebration. It was quiet. Yes I still deal with sadness and other emotions, but I'm ok. Things happen to me but I don't flinch, at least not all the time. And I knew it was You that did it. I thank you but at the same time I'm not surprised about how it came about. If anything, it's like a release. I didn't even make a big deal about it. I just wanted to live a normal depression free life for once.

What are you gonna do with your new depression free life?

I don't know. My mind has already moved onto the next thing.

Why do you think that is?

Because my mind is obsessed with problems and trying to fix them. I never feel satisfied with just one fixed problem. I have to fix them all and for some reason I'm a perfectionist. I don't like having any problems. I can't even sit still without coming up with a solution to a problem I'm facing.

Are you afraid of what happens when you can't find a solution?

Maybe that's what I'm scared of. I was depressed for so long because I had problems that were unfixable. I wanna believe that any problem I encounter is something I can overcome. And I guess that's true. But for some reason I guess I still don't believe it? I guess I'm just used to problems popping up. As soon as we move into a beautiful city, blam we gotta move again. Nothing is ever right. My mom is always in a job she hates, we always gotta move, we never got enough money, I'm always lonely, relationships never work, and I never have control over anything.

Life is going to be full of problems. Problems are never ending. There's always going to be something you gotta overcome. But you can't look at them as problems. You have to look at them as life, as what is to be expected. When you see it as something that just happens, you are at peace. You're not constantly trying to fix everything. Let things be problems for a moment. See what happens in those moments. Feel what you need to feel in those moments. That's where friendships blossom, in the conversations about life's many challenges. That's where skills develop, and appreciation grows. Let it change you. Next up is physical.

I know I gotta do stuff I don't wanna do. I know that I'm never gonna feel like exercising until it becomes a habit, like before.

You want to eat healthier.

How do you just tell your parent to stop buying you food you don't wanna eat? After they buy it you can't tell them to unbuy it. I feel like I have no say in the food I eat because I'm not cooking it, my mom cooks it. My mom buys everything. I can't tell my mom what to do. I feel like I can't have a say in things until I'm the one controlling them, which includes me buying and cooking my own food.

You're safe. You need to have more one on one conversations with her. She talks to you about her relationship troubles, her work troubles, and her financial troubles. She opens up to both you and your sister. Why can't you open up to her? Do you not trust her?

It's more than the food. It's everything. I don't feel like my life is mine. I'm an adult yet but I don't have a say in what I eat, the clothes I wear, or the things I get to do. Am I selfish for wanting independence? Are there more important things I should be focused on? I want to relate to my peers, everyone else I know buys and cooks their own food, buys their clothes and are able to drive themselves to any event, or shop, or friend's house they want to. And nobody questions it or interrogates it. I still feel like a teen, with a more mature adult brain and body. Am I crazy, am I crazy for wanting the life I see everyone else with?

No, you're not, these are normal emotions anyone in your position would feel. You felt this way in 4th grade when you were the only person who didn't have a phone. It never ends, and remember I told you about it. Once you finally start driving, you'll be just like everyone else, but then you'll want a nicer car. And then when you get a nicer car, you'll want an even nicer car, all because you see people with "better" cars than you. The house that you live in is beautiful, but for some reason you and your family aren't satisfied with it even though you guys slept on the floor with bedbugs some years ago. There's always going to be things other people have that you want. And it's gonna feel like you need those things. Maybe you do, or maybe you don't. Either way, all these feelings you feel need to be expressed. Tell your mom about the wants and needs you have, and how selfish you feel for having those wants and needs. Express that you know things are not easy for her and that there's only so much she can do as a single mother. That's where change can happen. She will respect you as an adult when you come forward to her as an adult.

Where do I find the confidence and grit to do that?

Me.

She gets busy and she gets tired and she takes naps and requests you to do things. But she's always available to talk to you because you are her daughter. She cares about you. She wants to know what's going on with you. Stop being so strong. Stop being emotionless.

It's always a big deal when I cry. I never felt like I could talk to her about things, because her problems always seemed to matter more. Her problems can make or break our ability to live where we are. My problems get cast aside and are not as dire. They don't make or break our living situation.

You are important. You are not nothing. You are everything to Me, God. I created you. I love you more than you know. So what if you tell her what's going on with you and she doesn't care. That doesn't mean anything because I care about you and what's going on with you. If talking to her doesn't help, there's always someone else. There's your mentors or your boss. The point is you're never alone.

You know it hurts me when I can't talk to her? It hurts me. This is something that every emerging adult goes through, but I'm the only adult I know that hasn't emerged. Because I haven't even done anything. I haven't talk to my mom about it, or any family member. Not even my sister. She got her own checking account before I did. She took my sister to the bank even though I've been asking for months. This is why I was depressed before because I find myself in these situations where there are things I need to do like speak up and talk and then I don't talk and then I hate myself for it. And then the whole thing happens again the next day.

You always felt better when you and your mom had a face to face conversation. It's happened in the past. And she has been understanding before. You've been safe before.

I don't even know where to start.

Just tell her that you don't feel like an adult even though you are. Tell her how you feel about driving. Tell her how you feel about your finances. Tell her that you want to learn to take care of yourself but have been too scared to go for it. And then listen. Listen to what she has to say. If she asks you questions, answer them honestly.