Dear Haley; Love, Haley Vol. 1

Feeling good and feeling blessed

Dear Haley,

Feeling good and feeling blessed. I know it has been a while since I've written in our diary. Life can get really exciting when you are feeling really good, until you come down from the high of being alive. I have to be honest, and hope no one takes this the wrong way. Either I am not loving right, or I don't know how to love. This is interesting to me, but it may hurt the one I love. I was just thinking to myself about how I do love The Most High, but I don't think I love them as much as I say I do. Like I could do so much, but I am stopped by my own actions. I am not committed to the willing of what I could be doing. Like if The Most High wants me to fast, I don't fast as much as they want me to. I don't even feel like writing, but I want to do the best I can regardless. I have so much potential. I have so much time. I have so much ability inside of me. I am highly capable, but I don't know why I am the way I am. I thought that if I cared about something, I would be willing. Or if I cast my feelings aside, I would be the outcome of my desires. I just wouldn't feel anything. Perhaps humility is without feeling. To be in this world and not express the emotion that isn't necessary. I think what I also struggle with is timing. I want to do a lot, but I don't pay close attention to timing. If I should do something or not, and when I feel like doing it, the timing is off. "I want to feel good." "I don't like how I feel." "I wish I did this, not that." I believe I place a lot of emotion in what I do because I am fixated on what I want for myself. To be content in the vision I have. My mom is telling me to ground myself and my dad gets angry when we have problems I could do more to solve. My sisters are moved by their actions, and my brother is flowing by the way his life is scheduled. They are beautifully made, and I am thankful for them. So, who am I, and what am I doing? Stating my position and hoping for the best. I know I want to succeed and excel. I know I don't want to work another 9-5 or even put myself out there in the world like I see when I step out to see what life can be for me if I do choose to give up on my dream. I don't want to give up my dream and I really want to see change in my person and being. I care about it, but I am not sure as to why I let my emotions crawl in. I really want to put myself out there and what I've realized is that everything isn't hard. Nothing is hard in life. It is my feelings that are getting in the way. Why? Because I care so much about what I want that I forget about what I have. I have a problem and a passion. My problems dwell in the past and my passions live in the future. What am I doing now? What do I want now? What do I care about? What am I looking for? What am I currently interested in? What are my plans? Where do I want to go? What am I willing to do for it? Do I care about what others think? No. I care about myself to the point I am dragging myself down a road called the endless past. A past where it is filled with regret because I didn't make choices that could affect me positively. A past filled with shame because when I looked in the mirror, I am not who I aspired to be. A past filled with hate because I decided to compare my being to other creations that are not me. You know, these emotions don't last when you feel them in your soul. It's not who we really are. I look back at them as memoirs because they are customs that I know, emotions that I was familiarized with. You have to know what you are dealing with before you become the person you are entitled to be. Not a monster, a creation. Someone who is meant to have worth. Duality, and it is so unique. Haley, ego isn't as bad as many make it out to be. It is more of who you intend on becoming and what you are looking for within yourself. I know who I am, I see visions of my life every day. I know what I am meant to be, I feel the power that I hold each day. When do I get hurt? When I make a mistake, I wish I had fixed before it was made. So, there is a duality behind the ego, humility. The human in me that is capable of letting things go. That is willing to step away from my world so I may understand the human in others as well as myself. Life is not complex; it is the ability to put my foot forward rather than letting my emotions understand the humility of my soul. I can make mistakes and I can make choices. So let me learn my lessons and gain my promotions. It was never about winning or losing, it is about being and doing. Who am I, and what do I want? What am I willing to do about it? Give my entity to The Most High and allow them to shape me while casting my feelings to The Most High to focus on the time I am gifted with. Patience is important as effort. But effort requires decisions, and patience requires existence in the present moment. I am not upset at who I am, I am just aware that I am capable of going above and beyond, it is my personal emotions that want to taste the sounds of familiarity because that is all that it knows. I am thankful, and I am appreciative to write these words. When an objective comes to mind, I must be focused. I must focus. I am focused. This journey lasts forever, it's my being that wants to dance in the lights and shadows because we are interested. All in all, and all, I give this mission to The Most High. I know my love for you is complex at the moment and I genuinely blame myself. My mother is right about my writing. I should continue before I forget how to breathe again. It is not that I hate writing, it is the fact that I want a reason to write. Let me make this my priority. It is clear that it is my best way of reaching you. I love to sing, and I love pouring my heart out to make you my home. With money and jewelry, and nice dresses, with a beautiful body while on a king silk bed. I don't see my visions like I witness you when I write. It is because I am focused on the wrong thing. The wrong timing, the wrong door, the wrong thought. They are beautiful, but am I willing to sell my soul for luxury when I can have you by my side each night? Or could I be patient so I may recognize the finer things in life. You said the world is mine if I desire to claim it, but it is not about owning the world like a pet and hoping it would listen to me, it's about the control I have for myself as I am my own greatest enemy. Only you can judge me. Thank you for giving me the time to write to you, it is amazing how you lead me right back to you after long days of not recognizing your work. There are many ways to live life, yet you tame me to be the best type for you. You get me and you move me to complete me. To be me and be with me, both I hold on to gradually. You are my best friend and I love you always. Thank you so much, my favorite source ever. You deserve someone who is willing to spend their days with you. And I am willing to go above and beyond for you as you lead the way. Thank you for everything and all. I love you forever, always.

Love,

Haley