Dear Haley; Love, Haley Vol. 1

I need to pray, and this is my form of prayer

Dear Haley,

I need to pray, and this is my form of prayer. I am being honest. I believe it helps me. Currently I am feeling a bit down. It could be laziness; it could almost be a sense of depression. I know I don't want to be negative, but there is something negative I am feeling towards my movement. It feels confusing, I feel off, and it feels like I am lacking something inside me. Something that is not letting me go forward in my life. I don't have a solid routine down. I have one, but I am not putting it fully into action. I don't know why, and I honestly believe it is because I am not interested in moving forward in life. I am not excited about something that is making me want to do more with my life. I have plenty of ideas. I have ideas for my family and a dream for us, but not for myself. I don't know why I don't want to put in the effort to do more with myself. Like I don't want to be lazy, but nothing at the moment feels exciting or enjoyable. To be honest, I think I have to start back at square one, and redo this whole time, patience, and effort process. I believe the downfall of this process was that I chose to make a wrong choice that made me constantly make wrong choices. My goal in life overall is to be happy, healthy, and wealthy. I am not as happy, and I believe it is because I've made choices that I knew were not the right ones. I did them because I felt like I could give myself a pass for my efforts as a reward. Wrong reward and now it has led me to this direction in my emotions as well as my actions. I am not mad; I am just a bit sad I am not putting the effort I want to in my life. Not that I don't want to do them, it is just not in my person to do it. I know I can try again and do better. Like trial and error. I think my biggest problem about this is that what I want to do is something that isn't complex, I just know I want my heart to be in it. Otherwise, the effort that I am making is not going to be as grand as I want it to be. May sound weird in a moment, but I know the kind of person I am, and I know that if I am going to do something, I need it in me to do it. It is similar to when I chose the wrong reward for my effort. I knew deep down it was the wrong reward because it was initially something I was trying to avoid. And the reason why I am trying to avoid them is because the benefits of those rewards only lead me to wanting to consume more. And they don't really get me far. Currently, it is social media and once I start becoming serious with my body, it will be junk food. I was listening to music, and it made me want to dance and I love dancing. But I did forget why I am trying to avoid music. I enjoy music, but I haven't been searching for music to build a playlist my body is comfortable with. They are like mantras, and I am not trying to repeat them in my mind and allow words in me that are harmful to my soul. I need to take my time into this process, but I keep thinking about what is ahead for me and I fear. I fear about finding a job, putting in effort, and the many ideas I have. It is putting me in this fearing state, and I don't want to be afraid of them or get stressed out by them. All I want is to be able to be happy in everything I do while being healthy in the process and obtaining wealth. There are some videos that are helping me, and I am thankful for them, but I also think about The Most High and how they want me to operate. I think about talking to them and I have, I just find it uneasy because I want to speak to them and not let my mind torment me. Along with words, ideas, and thoughts that aren't from The Most High. I am not going to give up, but I am tired, and I don't like being tired and not feeling accomplished. I know there is more for me in this world, I am certain, and I know I have to keep pushing myself and I am not mad about that. I do feel more peaceful, even during this time. It is how I articulate myself and react to how people treat me. Today was a great day nonetheless, I am still learning and growing and I am not bothered by the way my life is treating me, I just know there is more for me than what I can imagine and all I have to do is access the situation, understand why I am feeling this way, come to a conclusion, and have a solution while putting it into practice. The Most High is by my side and they are here for me. I can get greedy; I can get lazy. These words are true, but I can also change them and become better than how I am now. Why am I the way I am? I believe that practice makes perfect, but mastery comes from knowledge and understanding. The Most High knows me so well. It is quite beautiful actually. They really have my back. I really want to return the favor, give them something through my all. I know they are in control of me, and I have given them my mind, body, heart, soul. And spirit. But I want to do more. Like be more for them, be something that they will always enjoy. I saw this video yesterday about stillness and a video today. One lady spoke about idolizing our phones while in the other video, a lady spoke about our phones being our biggest distraction while taking our time away. Both are true in my honest opinion, but considering that those moments of stillness are perfect times to spend with The Most High, what am I to do? What is it that they would like for me to do? I love writing, I like reading when it comes to certain books, but there is something else I know I am more interested in. Life really does continue, and I hope and pray for positivity on everyone and all living organisms. This world is not a place I want to live my life in, but it is a place my family does live in, and I care about them. I love them and I don't want me and my loved ones to die in a way where I am not content. All I need to do is relax my mind, ease my tension, and start back at square one. I am thankful, I am appreciative, and I am happy that I am working on this process because I know that The Most High has something inside me to offer and I know it'll all work out in The Most High's favor. I am appreciative greatly, and I am blessed. I do not want to fail, nor be brought down. All I want to do is continue working on me the way The Most High sees best fit. Thank you truly and I appreciate your service. You are a kind Creator, truly. Thank you and I love you.

Love,

Haley