Dear Haley; Love, Haley Vol. 1

I am feeling better and feeling different

Dear Haley,

I am feeling better and feeling different. I want to thank The Most High for this amazing experience and I hope I can do more with The Most High. Waking up today was not a complete challenge, it was the fact that my body still feels sleepy as I rise up. When I open my eyes, I am up and that's all. I know I can do more with my time, but rising up is not my priority, so I had to change my thoughts into what could be my priority: making my bed. I know this is something many people talk about and how it is the best way to start your routine because you completed a task, and a bunch of other reasons. I did it so I can get out of bed with a reason. It is not hard to get out of bed because I do it every day. It is waking up to get out of bed that is complex for me. But I am managing. I know making my bed isn't a priority in my eyes, but it is a priority to become active. When I am up, I can read my work, write in my diary, journal in other notebooks, take advice from others, and form ideal routines that can benefit me in the long run, but knowing what I know. My thoughts become sad, like I wish I knew better or have done better, became better, or improved to be this person that I've never seen before. I get thoughts about how my life could be different from what I am told internally and externally. And although they are true, to an extent, I want my thoughts to dedicate themselves to being the best without tormenting me with what I could have had. I wonder about this idea because it makes me curious yet defeated. I could be famous and knowledgeable, or figuring out multiple ways to make passive income and accumulate assets. It sounds silly in my head now, but knowing that I feel very capable, I wonder why I didn't receive those outcomes. Is it because I wasn't ready, or because it wasn't meant to be? Was I completely the problem, or did I do everything I was supposed to do before making it that far in my life? Were my actions justified, or is there a snake living inside me that knows enough to keep me stuck in an active place? I think a lot about my actions and wonder if I ever was the best at that time. I had thoughts and emotions that made me question my behavior. Was I supposed to do that, or was I supposed to choose differently? I know we are not supposed to dwell in the past as much, especially when you know better now than what you can't change. I just think about it because deep down, I feel weak. I do feel incapable of performing actions on my behalf. I know we are not to speak poorly about ourselves, but I rather let out the truth, then to constantly perform a reason and not feel it being justified. This can make me feel like a bad person too, like karma is out to get me when I least expect it. I remember a conversation I had with The Most High about karma, and we both agreed that it does not exist. Karma isn't real in my eyes. It is just a concept to make people believe that they are worth their actions, rather than their outcome. If I were to kill someone, would I end up dead as well, or would I have the guilt inside of me until I figure out a solution for my emotions? Everyone is different, everyone plays a role, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This subject also reminds me of selling your soul. What am I doing to become who I aspire to be? Knowing that I am looking for something particular in life, does it honestly cost the wrong aspects in my eyes to live the life I want, or am I too fixated on what I could have rather than what I truly want? I know what I want in life, and I think about it night and day, they are the sweetest gifts a person could want in my world. I think about it so much that the topic would roll off my tongue like a dream coming true because I love the way it sounds. It is like my happy place. The pictures, the visions, the scenarios, the beauty, they all make me happy. This kind of happiness doesn't last forever though and simply because it is not present with me. It scares me, and I cry about it at times because I feel like it is a gift, not something you could just ask for and receive. Knowing who I am and what I want, it is not about asking and receiving, it is about being and doing. And I wonder about it a lot. Am I good enough to receive it? Will it ever come to me in existence? Will I see my dream become my reality? I could let go of the idea of being rich, famous, and whatever else I think of as my desires are just for my dream to come true. And knowing that my dream is priceless, I don't know how I am supposed to work on it to achieve it. Do I look up YouTube videos to see how to get married, or do I just wait until I am ready to be married? Do I figure out what my future husband would want from me, or do I just become the person I see in my dreams? Do I sit still in my present, or do I rush my person to walk down the aisle? I know the obvious answer, but fear is such a petty feeling. Feeling like you are on top of the world just to tell you to look down to see all the mistakes you've made so you see your wrongs instead of your rights. It is not easy being free and I respect it. We are trapped in a society and play out the telling's of our lives. I don't think anyone here on Earth could tell me what to do. Not that I wouldn't listen to laws, rules, and regulations of my parents. It is more of the creativity we are gifted to represent who we are as a whole. There is more to creativity than what meets the eye. Even negativity uses creativity and I bet their outcome isn't as bad as the word is represented. But this is why I give my life, my all, my soul, my spirit, my heart, my body, my lungs, my temple, my everything to The Most High because I don't know what I am doing exactly, all I know is that I have a gift and I am enjoying my time representing myself, hoping that I would be blessed by what I want rather than what I think I want. I don't believe I want to misrepresent myself, but people don't see the complete vision and dream as others want to tell themselves. Life is beautiful and I dream about it like royalty is who I am, like I am made of pieces that completes a story to a book. What if The Most High needs a writer to document their cherishing moments simply because life is contributing more than just lessons, it is a prestige moment that there may be people who can't fully interpret it. I find many things complex to believe because I like to see things with my own eyes. So, what is a blind person to do? The blind does see, they just don't see like everyone else does. I don't see with my eyes. I have to ask questions, I have to listen thoroughly, I have to respond with a mission to make things right in my position. I am not completely blind, but I am gifted with blurry vision. And I prefer it over seeing, it is just who I am. And I wonder again, will I receive what I am looking for, or am I to sit aloud knowing The Most High is working on my details. The ones I can't perform because they know where my missions contribute. Not many can even have my job, and it is not because I am downplaying them. This isn't everyone's lifestyle; this isn't everyone's mission. This isn't everyone's embodiment, or their sense of hope. People are completely different. It is just the matter of who is willing, so they don't lose track of their own feet. I'm excited to read my work, it is like a blessing that I can see when I can read, not when I am thoughtless of my own journey. My journey is being written by my own palms and hands. I've said this before, and I will always say it as a written stamp of my command. Not by my own of course because this is all being done by The Most High, but my truth being written to tell people how it is like living life. Not my life, but life in general and overall. Life is like a choice, not an option. You don't become born to not live. You live to give life; to live life. So express life so others can interpret their details in the creation of The Most High. I like writing, it is enjoyable. It is the lingering atmosphere of constant taunting that wants to punish me. All because they think I am some fool who chose to walk with The Most High. I hope one day they will all be satisfied, and I hope that this doesn't just value me, it values others far beyond my existence. I don't want my family to suffer, nor live in pain due to the lack of approval in the world. I just want to build my relationship with the Creator so I can unite with the better things in life. I have goals, I have dreams, I have desires, I have ideas, I have wishes, I have aspirations, I have things I want in life. I know what I want deep down, but I know what I want most importantly, I already have it. It is working into existence and The Most High is protecting me, guiding me, leading me, moving me, and showing me everything I need here in the present moment, and many forget that. That is what we have, no matter the circumstances. So, thank you The Most High, for your voice, your words, and your everything and all. I love you and I am grateful for this extraordinary journey you are showing me. Thank you. I love you always.

Love,

Haley