Dear Haley; Love, Haley Vol. 1

Suicide sounds like heaven to be honest

Dear Haley,

Suicide sounds like heaven to be honest. I would rather live far away from Earth and never return if it means to live in happiness. I honestly don't know the point of living. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it doesn't make me feel sane to be appreciative about myself. Like am I truly a problem, or am I just someone odd in this world? I wish I cared more to be happy so I didn't have to live in hell. I don't even know why I wouldn't try to die. I am so fragile to even walk to my death. I don't know what it is that I want. It's not like I care. I am sad, and I know these feelings can go away, it doesn't change the way the world views me. I feel so alone and in my world that I thought that if I kept pushing to peace, I would be happy. If someone did decide to kill me, I would accept it. I'm being honest. I don't like living here on Earth. I know the Most High is with me every step of the way, but it's not the same. I want the physicality of their presence to surround me to the fullest extent that I am there with them. I thought about it and it felt like something I didn't want because it ended up being my family and I would rather die. My family are just people I love who is living on Earth. I truly feel misunderstood, and I wish I just didn't feel the way I did. I wish I was far far away. How would I cope with my loneliness? How would I understand personality? What is even worth it? I do feel worthless in a pool filled with people. Hearing words that make me think about the world seems so careless. I don't feel that grand about myself. I don't know what it is going to take, and I don't know if I am willing to go above and beyond. I know I have thoughts, plans, and ideas, but I am not happy with any outcome. I don't even like the idea that I am living. It is lonely. And I know how to be happy and alone, but in this world, I don't care to achieve it. I am sorry for how I am; I feel like The Most High just created me for one purpose alone and it was simple but got the job done. I don't know what I want in life because nothing seems perfect anymore. Not even living. I don't feel purposeful, and I don't want to exist. I wish I could sit here and tell myself I am enough, but saying I am enough is saying that everything is okay in the way everything is made. I am not searching for answers when I am gifted with everything I own. I hate the idea that I was told I own wisdom. I don't even know what wisdom represents anymore. Is it morality, or a conflict between two people? This world was made equal, and I lie in the center of everything. To be honest, I bet I am placed in the center to see both sides since The Most High knew I didn't want to exist. I feel better when I am only with The Most High, I hope I am never placed on Earth ever again. I am thankful for the life I have, but I am never coming back here to Earth. I hear way too many concepts, misconceptions, interpretations, miscommunications, evaluations, and many thoughts and perspectives that everyone is better off on their own. I've thought many thoughts and what really confuses me and how to escape. I get confused because my ideas are scattered, but what I always fail to realize is that The Most High is inside me, always. No matter where I'm at, no matter where I stand. I like to remain quiet to stay on my own alone. I don't want to be bothered, I rather stay to myself because it's clear that the way I represent myself is not the way people see best fit. It always gets pointed back to me. Always. If I have a problem with people, I have kept it to myself. I know that doesn't sound like the world's best idea, but I do it because people are just as sensitive as me. The difference is that I am willing to comply to receive what I want in return for the peace of others. When someone bothers me to the point that makes me annoyed by the way they are, I inform them of an emotional outcome. I don't express myself in a manner where people think they may find it valuable because when I do that, no one is too concerned about where I am coming from except for themselves. People are fixated towards themselves. That is human nature and people receive personal gratitude towards their definition of perfection. I know others are interested in themselves because that is who we are intended to be. We are to tend to ourselves and hope for the best. We can receive help from others, but that doesn't mean that you are becoming the best version of yourself for others. It is to be helpful for others. To show others how they can help you. I know that wealth stems from helping others but for me to be who I am while in the middle of the equator, it is not about being good or bad, wrong or right, left or right, up or down. It is knowing how I can help both sides while receiving what I want in the end to help myself. But even The Most High knows I don't have much concern about myself. All I want in this world is to be happy, healthy, wealthy, in love, and proud. If there are other aspects that will make me who I am, The Most High knows it, I am just living in the truth of my existence. I have ideas, I don't know if I want to tell you. It bothers me to express myself without shame because people are too concerned with themselves that they work solely on themselves to benefit themselves. I just like writing because it is fun and makes me vibe on the words of The Most High, never takes my words as my person. I am emotional, but if you took away my emotion that gives me the privilege to write, it is clear that The Most High has a message to send to the world. So I am enjoying my time, enjoying my opportunity because when I pass here on Earth, I know it will all be over. I am going to enjoy my time here on Earth because I am receiving something in return, a dream I desire. After I pass, I will travel the way The Most High sees fit because I do not own me, I am The Most High's gift, blessing, creation, and being. They are inside me and I am their living flesh. I don't know why I am who I am, or why I am the way I am as much. I don't want it to negatively affect others or let others negatively affect me, I just want to do what I am supposed to do without harming anymore. So, yes. Thank you The Most High. I am going to read, write, study, and be led by your presence. May I do what you call me to do because I know you made me precisely, however I am. I am not focused on the aspects of being wrong or right. Do I like living? No, but I will live for you and hope that in the long run, it is all worth it in the end. Thank you, and I love you and you help me grow in peace. Thank you.

Love,

Haley