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Growing up as a gay, feminine, plus-size man had to be one of my biggest struggles. I knew when I had a huge crush on one of the popular kids during my third-grade year of school. Life at home was a wound that has barely healed.
My father was a homophobic piece of work, and I had to deal with his hatred towards me for years. My mom wasn't any better; she was the type of woman that would choose a man over her own kids, and for that, I loathe her.
Being the last pea in the pot, with two elder brothers and one sister, we all had a love-hate relationship. My siblings still have a relationship with my parents, while I don't. My mother has been trying for the longest to build a relationship, but I think it's a little late for that.
For years, I struggled with my shape. I always wondered why my body was curvier while other boys looked more masculine. When teenage boys with raging hormones see an attractive male, their immature minds can't grasp that the attraction doesn't necessarily make you gay; you obviously like girls that are feminine, and I happened to be like that.
During my high school years, I struggled with homophobia from both girls and boys, not to mention the down-low boys. One of the worst mistakes I ever made was giving my innocence and time to the now-famous football player, Joaquin Diaz.
I craved love, and he made me feel good, both physically and mentally. He used to compliment how much he loved my thickness and how he would kiss every curve of my body. It took me a while to realize I was nothing but an object of pleasure.
In his head, he could never be with a man, but he didn't want me to find love or seek pleasure elsewhere. He threatened that blood would be on my hands if I ever stepped out on him. I dealt with his toxic ways until I couldn't anymore, and it took me moving away to break free from him.
I was currently sipping on wine as I listened to smooth jazz at this particular restaurant I loved for its amazing food and live entertainment. The current singer on stage had a beautiful, smooth voice, and I closed my eyes, enjoying the sound as the wine soothed my soul.
Hearing a familiar voice, I looked up to see the man who broke my heart all those years ago, and I instantly wanted to gather my food and leave. His voice, low even as a teenager, was now deep and commanding. He was taller and more muscular from football, I assumed. He was with a beautiful woman, and I silently hoped he was doing better because he needed it.
When he turned to face me with shock and realization in his eyes, I turned away to focus on my food. After finishing my meal, I was thankful he was engaged with his friends at the table. I sensed the tension in the air as the night progressed. After paying for my meal, I left and walked to my car.
As I heard my name being called, I turned to see the large man looking down at me. I noticed his meticulous appearance, and he did the same to me. He hugged me, and though I was tense at first, I felt his tears as we embraced. His tear-streaked face showed relief, maybe he was relieved to see me, I thought.
"I can't believe you're actually here after all these years, fate finally brought us together. I know you're probably a little shocked, but when you left me all those years ago, it took therapy and years of regret for me to realize my mistake. I went through hell not being able to know if you were alive. I was desperate enough to track your siblings down to ask about you, but they wouldn't tell me. Man, I can't believe after all these years I found you at a restaurant of all places," Joaquin said.
I was out of words as I stared up at him. His rambling was cute, and I could see he was a changed man. He was more mature and soft in a way. Back then, he was a grade-A asshole, and he was very verbally aggressive. Now he was like a cute little gentle giant.
"Please say something ba- I mean, KC," he said pleadingly.
"With all the stuff I went through, you were my escape from it all. All my life I had to fight just for the simple fact that I'm a gay black man. When you came up to me that one time after the game, you changed my whole life around. Although I did love you, I couldn't put up with being used anymore. My moving wasn't just because of the stuff you put me through. I wanted something new. Being in Memphis was too much for me, so yeah, I ran and I built a life here. I see you've changed. It took for me to leave for you to realize my worth, huh?"
"Yeah, that tough boy shit was played out. I wanted to change for you, even though at the time I knew I may have never found you. But now that you're here in the flesh, allow me to publicly apologize to you, KC. I treated you like you didn't matter to me, and for that, I apologize. When you were around, I felt happy. I didn't have to worry about the troubles of the world. Even though I would convince myself that I was using you only for sex. I know it took years, but I'm a changed man, and maybe in the future, you and I could be friends, and if God allows, maybe something more," he said genuinely.
I didn't realize that half of the customers in the restaurant were watching in awe as he basically came out.
Instead of verbally answering, I brought him into a heated kiss. I don't know what came over me, but he was just so fine, and I was a little embarrassed at the attention we were receiving, so my mind kind of betrayed me there.
After pulling away, I could see the love and admiration in his eyes. It seemed fate brought us back together.
