Letters to Jimin

#Letter 48

Hey there ....

How are you doing? Hope you are well and healthy. I haven't heard anything from you lately....so all I can do is wait and hope everything is well.

My friend had her heart surgery last week and thankfully, everything went well. She is recovering now and under heavy pain killers. It's all too much and overwhelming...she texted.
I hope she gets better soon.
We all had a very stressful week and I am so relieved that she's doing better than before and her mom is with her now.

I wish I could see her soon .... don't know when we will get to see each other.
It was her birthday on Saturday.
The staff at the hospital congratulated her saying it's her rebirth...
Yeah...it felt like that too.
That's all for the update from my side.

I went to the library and got myself some books to read.
I love reading...
For me, reading is like a welcoming distraction and it helps me to calm down and concentrate and think about something else. I mostly read novels...and I love that a different world can be built using only words ...
I think it's incredible how a story could make you think a lot of other things.... about life ? about being true to ourselves? and a lot more...

I was reading this book called ' Hana khan carries on '.
A thought provoking, unconventional and fun read.
I just finished the book and I am glad that I chose this one to read first.
The characters were well written... especially Hanan.
Her cynical behaviour / outlook on the world , the rebellious nature and the kindness and love she had for her dear ones.
' I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop '.- a quote from the book.

Always expecting something negative to happen or know something inevitable will happen .

It made me think a bit.

I am not saying that I am a completely pessimistic person but somehow I am always dreading about something to go wrong.
I have a sheltered life so far, difficult at times but still, a somewhat comfortable life.
I lost my father when I was 10.
Things were difficult...and it gradually got okayish.. somehow.
I pray and hope / wish the best for others...and trust me, it's genuine.
I genuinely wish/ hope/ know that things will get better...but for myself, I don't believe in that..things will be okay...or it will get better...I don't know...that kind of thoughts doesn't help me at all...I don't believe in that fully I guess.

I think, I tend to believe that, if something is working out for me, surely, something will go wrong sooner or later.
I don't know why...

Then I don't know a lot of things...right?
When I used to talk to the therapist, she mentioned this.
Kids , who have lost their parents or one of their parents before nineteen, has this toughness about their personality.
Eminent orphan... that's the term she used.

Kids who toughen up and achieve everything they could.
' The worst has already happened...what else could happen?' that's their mindset.
I am not an overachiever or even close enough to something like that .
I work hard and try to do my best in everything but I always feel restless and guilty about resting or not doing enough.
I don't know.
She told me it's connected... somehow...
Maybe my cynical view about myself came from that too....
I don't know...
Hmm....I think I rambled a lot more than usual.

I just checked, it has been a year since I started writing these letters...and this is my 48th letter to Jimin... which is not going to be read by him at all.... ironically!!

Anyway....happy anniversary to my beloved book.
I don't know who is reading this...but thank you for reading.

Jin will be back in two days and we got a Festa song... thanks to JK.
I hope you are well Mimi...n happy.
I saw the bangbangcon yesterday, aah...it was so emotional.
I missed you guys even more..n I wondered about my chances to see you guys in person. It made me sad tbh ...
I don't want to be pessimistic about this too....
Ha... let us be happy n healthy...I hope you are happy too.
Thank you

With love
Army