Jade
I lay awake all through the night, unable to sleep. I knew I wouldn't be able to. My body is still aching from my father's reminder of exactly why I hate him, and my mind is a jumbled mess of conflicting thoughts about the rest of what happened today.
About my conversation with Perrie.
I'm always so scared to tell her anything about what I'm doing, not because I want to hide anything from her, but because I want to keep her safe.
Promising to tell her everything was hard, but not telling her a lot of things nearly costs us our relationship. I can't lose her, so I have to do what I have to do.
Tomorrow's a new day.
More of her words echo in my head. It's true, obviously, but I can't help but wonder what new hell it will bring along with it. That seems to be the norm for me these days.
It's storming now, thunder rumbles, and the rain hitting the roof and windows is soothing. Something about it combined with Perrie's soft breaths next to me makes me feel at home and safe.
She's the only thing keeping me together. We've been through so much together, but she's always been my safe space. As long as she's with me, I feel like I can handle anything.
Lord knows I don't want to go back down this road, but I feel like I can do anything with her here with me. The knowledge that I'm not alone in this at least gives me some sort of comfort.
I quietly slip out of bed, careful not to wake her. I at least want her to rest, even if I can't. After grabbing my small pouch from the closet and quietly slipping out of the room, I walk down the hall to check on the kids. They are all still asleep, so I gently kiss them all goodnight and make my way out of the front door to sit the porch.
The rain is still falling heavily, but the porch roof keeps me dry as I sit down on the swing off in the corner, empty the contents of my pouch on my lap, roll up and light up a joint. I just need to clear my head.
And I know.
I know I shouldn't smoke, and I know I stopped, but with everything going on, I need something to calm my nerves. I know it's not good for me, but guess what? Neither is any of the shit I'm currently facing right now. The way I see it, it's the lesser of all of the evils in my life right now.
Sitting on the swing in the dark, I let out a long, exhausted breath, one I feel like I've been holding in all day, and then take a long slow puff.
The pain in my side flares and burns with the movement, making me wince quietly and immediately think of my father. I can't believe I'm back here again. Back under his thumb like a little ant that he loves to threaten to crush whenever he wants.
I stare out into the dark wet street in front of the house as I let the smoke fill my lungs, and my thoughts run wild.
My parents have never really been the best parents, but I would have never expected any of this, and today's revelation that my own mother was the brains behind all of this shit hits harder than any punch my father could have possibly thrown at me. We weren't the closest, but damn. It still hurts.
I know I can't let them win. I have to fight, but I'm not even sure how right now.
How do you fight somebody who's supposed to love you unconditionally?
Inhaling more smoke, I can still see my father's smug face, clear as day in the darkness in front of me as he beat my ass like some random person on the street and not his own daughter, and the sudden coldness in my mother's eyes as she just stood aside and let it happen.
