June 9, 5:32 am
dear cameron,
The parts of me that remind me of you:
1. My favorite yellow pillow; you used to make me share it with you whenever you laid in bed with me, even if there were three other pillows on your side. After you left I spent so many nights crying on it.
I2. My old journal; I used to write in it everyday about how happy I was that you were mine. There's a page I wrote in there the first night you told me you loved me. It reminds me of happiness and warmth and first love. I think I need to throw it out. I'm sorry I loved you so much.
3: My hands; have you ever had to physically detach yourself from something and it literally makes you feel like a part of your own being is missing? That's how I feel when I'm not holding your hand. They were always sweaty and you were always embarrassed but that only made me love you more.
4: My vintage denim jacket; I wore it the whole winter we spent together, including the day I kissed you for the last time ever. It's been hanging in my closet for over a year now. Sometimes I swear I can still smell you on it.
5: My hair; once I told you that people loved to play with my hair, and so you used to run your fingers through it to calm me down or you would pull on it as you kissed my body all over. Something about that. I guess it was our thing. sometimes when I'm laying in bed feeling anxious at night, I can still feel you playing with it.
6: My bedroom; the only memory I made in this room is me crying over you. Writing to you. Screaming to you. Begging for you. Praying for you. Laying there in defeat and finally falling asleep as the sun rises and sometimes it feels unnatural for me to do anything else but that. I think sometimes I can still feel my heart breaking as my head hits that old yellow pillow.
it's been two years,
shawn mendes
