march 25, 10:47 am
dear cam,
all my life I've had people tell me, "you're only 16, what do you know? you don't pay taxes. you don't pay bills or a mortgage. you don't worry about having a job. you don't have mouths to feed."
you're right. im only 16. but at the age of 13, i was already contemplating suicide. at the age of 13, i was relentlessly told how fat, ugly, useless and untalented I was. how i would never amount to anything.
at 15, i held a bottle of pills in my hand several times a week. at 15, my parents fought so loudly that the entire house would shake. at 15, i started telling myself how fat and useless I was. at 15, i stopped eating for two months.
by the age of 16, my thighs were covered in battle scars. at 16, i learned what it was like to pray every night so that I wouldn't wake up to see the sun. at 16, i swallowed a bottle of pills and had my stomach pumped in the middle of 3rd period. at 16, i woke up in the hospital crying and screaming because i wasn't dead. at 16, i was told my depression and anxiety were just cries for attention. at 16, i learned what it's like to feel rejection from people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.
i leaned what it was like to feel the love my parents had for me drain from their eyes. so I may be 16 but I feel like I am a thousand years old. I have fought battles you can't even begin to imagine. I have endured years of relentless torment and taunts, and when I asked for help, I was told I deserved it.
I may be 16 but I have endured more than you ever did in your 36 years of life.
so I may not have to pay taxes. but at 16 I have anxiety attacks over the homework I have to turn in the next day.
I may not have to worry about feeding my kids. but even after two years of rehabilitation I still get depressed if I eat too much.
so you ask me, "you're 16, what do you know?'
and my answer will be. "far too much".
but it's funny, because you taught me everything i know.
shawn.
