february 19, 11:44 am
dear cameron,
I did not fall for you all at once. no, i fell for you gradually-falling for the little things. like the way you laughed mid-kiss sometimes, and looked at me like you couldnt believe what was happening. or the way you reached over in your still sleep-fogged state and pulled me closer to you as if you couldn't keep me close enough. or simply the way you looked at me when you laughed: laughing with you was my favorite. it was like looking directly into your core and seeing how truly vulnerable you could be; laughing with me yet hoping i wouldn't break your heart. but what you don't know is that i never broke your heart, because it was the most beautiful thing about you.
I remember the day you asked me my top pet peeves before listing yours. you said these were your only deal breaker. they were off the wall and nothing close to what i expected, but they were yours-they were part of you-they made you who you are. opening up to reveal your vulnerabilities says a lot about you. i always saw the fierce uniqueness burning brightly inside you, but your list illuminated that even more. I was hooked.
what I so badly wanted you to see is that I was the boy who would've been there for you when you needed reminding how amazing you are, because life has convinced you otherwise. I'm the boy who would've cherished any second spent with you, simply because it was a chance to be near you. I'm the boy who would've make you chicken noodle soup from scratch when you're weren't feeling well. im the boy who would've believed you when you said you wanted to "take things slow" to give us a chance at having something real. but I'm also the boy who would've stood up for himself instead of being walked on.
I guess no answer is answer enough. I'm not important enough to warrant a simple, quick text saying you're not up to get back together? I wasn't important enough to stick around to see where this would go? because the answer is a clearly resounding "nowhere". it echoes off the walls built by the silence you have placed between us for so many weeks now. I'm done waiting for a response, convincing myself that somewhere-even in the far back of your mind-is a thought of me that will ring though as if someone tapped a fingernail on a glass. a clear sound to ripple through your consciousness and remind you im standing by, but I'll stand by no more.
i deserve to be happy but so do you. waiting around for something to never happen only halts the future and what it has in store. what so many others our age forget to remember is this: love isn't simply choosing to spend your life with someone. it is waking up everyday and making the daily choice to spend the rest of your life with them. love isn't passive, it's an action-a daily choice. it's perpetual.
but the most important kind of love is the kind we most often neglect: self love. I gave that up in my search for love from you, and I lost sight of who I am and what makes me happy. so instead of sitting around waiting for a response from you, that will probably never come, I'm choosing myself everyday. to wake up and remind myself that I am strong, and worthy of being loved that way i love you. someday, I will get that kind of love from another person, someone capable of allowing me to love them.
and so since i know you will never read this letter, I hope someone-somewhere is able to learn from my misgivings and at the very least, love themselves again. I hope it as much for a stranger as i do for you. but I also hope that you remember being forgotten, like me, by so many potential lovers before me. please love yourself again.
love,
shawn mendes
