february 20, 1:01 pm
dear cam,
I'm so sorry I wasn't ready to love when you wanted or needed it. I'm sorry I'm so guarded and careful and don't fall into things quickly. I've been hurt in the past more than I thought the human heart could handle, and I just barely survived it. I'm careful because I thought if I had to go through heartbreak one more time, it might actually kill me. I guess I was wrong.
I'm not going to ask you to leave him, to reconsider, to love me and come back to me. I know it's too late and I'm old enough to know that there are consequences to my actions. asking you to do that would be unfair to you, me, and him.
just know that I love you. you're the first person I've trusted or cared about. you were one of the few people I thought had my back. I loved you for the way you listened, how deeply you cared, how you always knew that right thing to say to make me feel better. I loved you for forcing me to feel again, even if it's reduced me to a puddle of tears. I loved your little half-smile and the way you leaned in and rolled your eyes when you're saying something you know is ridiculous. I loved how you laughed. I loved hearing you get angry even though you knew that annoys you. I loved the fact that you are literally the loudest human being I know. I loved how standing next to you made me feel so safe and small. I loved every second of everyday I spent with you, and I'm absolutely devastated that it had to come to an end.
I could still be yours,
shawn mendes
