Limbo ||Taekookau||

5. Loneliness

People come and go. Some give and others take. And it's all okay and understandable but there will come a day, when a person will appear out of nowhere, ever so suddenly and they will give you so much more than you asked for.

They will make you feel things you never thought you would feel, they will wake up memories and insecurities you didn't know you had.

If they stay, you will get to explore this new version of yourself with them. But if they go..

If they go, it will be like you are lost, left alone in the darkness, unable to be the same as before. You will be left wondering why it happened and how can a person has so much power over you.

Jungkook always kept everyone at a distance. They didn't spark his interest to the point of wanting to know more about them. And they didn't try to get to know him either. Maybe because he wasn't that interesting or maybe they sensed his distance. All the relationships in his life were shallow. Going out, getting drinks, chatting about the normal things and that was it.

No one ever sparked his interest the way Taehyung had. Nobody had ever looked at him or made him feel like Taehyung did; like he mattered. Everything with him was.. different.

For the first time in his life, Jungkook felt a sense of attachment. He knew it didn't make sense. They had met three, four times and had spoken vaguely about random things but he couldn't shake the way the elder made him feel when he was around him.

The warmth he was emanating, the calmness of his voice that spread all over Jungkook and made all his troubles melt away. He was a stranger but it felt like Jungkook knew him. His eyes, his smell, his touch. Everything felt familiar.

Jungkook knew he liked men from a young age but he was never forward like that. He never made the first move. He had a few encounters in the past but they were purely physical. It was fun and everything but left him feeling empty afterwards so it was something he didn't really pursue.

Keeping distance from others had become his second nature. He stayed away and it made it easier when he left town because at least it was him leaving them and not the other way around, like the case of his parents.

He had made his peace with that. Maybe he was a fussy baby or maybe he wasn't good enough. Why else would somebody abandon a baby..

He didn't grew up in a bad way but still an orphanage was an orphanage. It was cold and lonely no matter the friends he had there or the care the people working there gave him.

He never had the chance to be up for adoption and in the past it was another thing that made him feel not good enough but he was grown and he had made a conscious decision to stop pondering about it.

He never felt the need to look for his parents. If they didn't want him in the first place why would he go into the trouble of looking for them, only to feel desperate and abandoned again? What was the point?

Sometimes the loneliness was palpable but he had learnt to live with it, even though some days the pain of something missing was almost visceral. It was a feeling he had assigned to his traumatic past. He had learnt to survive it but this time it was different.

Taehyung's behaviour was weird. He looked liked he had an interest in the younger but then suddenly he just left. Was it something Jungkook said? Maybe he wasn't good enough or he was too forward and made him feel uncomfortable.

He thought about going after him but Taehyung rejecting him felt like it would hurt way more compared to him jest leaving Jungkook's apartment for no reason.

His dreams that night had been confusing. It was him, looking for Taehyung and when he was close enough to touch him, the elder would run away again or disappear. Every time that happened, it made Jungkook more and more desperate to see him, to touch him. He wanted an explanation but didn't know what to say to the elder even if he met him.