The Hourglass

Twenty-Seven

Adam dropped me back off at my apartment and told me he would meet me at my dad's tonight for dinner. He had some work to attend to- some online meeting his dad had set up for him. Even though a part of me ached to spend every waking moment with him, another part of me was okay with it. I needed time to decompress and think about our day. I needed time to recharge.

 I don't feel drained when I am with Adam, and we never have strained or forced conversations. But when I'm alone afterward, I can't help but feel a little exhausted, and I realize now it's because I still have my guard up around him. That's only natural, I tell myself. This isn't a Disney movie where you fall in love and get married on the first day. I laugh at myself but grow serious again. We do seem to be moving a little fast, at least for me. I'm sure we're moving slower than turtle speed for Adam.  

Adam, a handsome bachelor who's only ever had one-night stands, apparently. And me, a lonesome and boring girl who's only ever had two long-term relationships that apparently weren't all that serious because I refused to grow up and give them my virginity. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to Brandon and Jeremy. I was, especially their abs. And there were moments when my hormones were definitely yelling at me. But there was always something missing. I could always tell it was just my hormones reacting and not my heart, and I didn't want to waste my first time like that. I wanted it to be special. 

But, Adam...I think. I haven't known Adam all that long, and yet I've been tempted to give him my virginity twice already. There's something so intoxicating about him, something that I can't logically explain. My mind and body just melt in his presence, and it seems there is barely anything I can do to stop it. I fear the longer I know him and the closer we get, the less resolve I'll have. And that thought terrifies me because I barely have any as it is. 

I wander over to the hourglass for what feels like the hundredth time and peer at it. My mind could be playing tricks on me, but the stream appears to have slowed just a fraction, and my heart picks up, my mind becoming alert. I can't help it, but I've gotten my hopes up. I have to admit my feelings have been a tad hurt that I haven't made a true difference in Adam's life, despite the way he acts with me and the words that come out of his mouth. It's been so mind-puzzling. 

I go to my closet, digging out the photo album again. I look at a picture of me with my mom and dad from when I was little, and I study my mom's face. I flip through the entire book, only looking for pictures of my mom and studying her face in all of them. I study everything I can about her, because I just want to understand. I want to know if she was ever truly happy or if she was always sad. I want to know if she ever felt intoxicated by my dad like I do with Adam, or if she just settled for a guy who treated her nice. I wonder if she suffered from something genetic, and if she did, if she passed it on to me. 

I've never thought I was sad or depressed. I've never thought about killing myself. But my Dad is always so careful with me, making sure I know I'm loved and trying to encourage me to be social. I admit I have felt lonely at times, but for the most part, I don't mind being alone. And before I met Adam, I really didn't feel bored or stale with my life. I valued my routine and quiet sanctuary. Something about Adam just makes me want to live more, though. To actually chase after my dreams and experience the life I have, making the most of every opportunity. 

I put the memory book back in the closet and crawl onto my bed. I just want to close my eyes before dinner. I'll need all the energy I can get for that; I think as I begin to drift off to sleep.