The Hourglass

Fifty-Four

The past three weeks have been agonizingly slow. I was back in my monotonous routine. I had decided to keep my job for Adam's company for now, but it was time for me to go into the office this week - and it was now that I wasn't so sure if it was a good idea or not. 

I kept hoping that Adam would respond to my calls and texts. I kept hoping that after a few days, he would come to his senses and realize that it wasn't all fake. That I really did love him. I was tormented by thoughts that Adam thought I was crazy, and that was the real reason why he wanted nothing to do with me. 

But I wouldn't know the answer to that because he was still ignoring me. Dad and Chelsea have been very supportive -calling and texting me to let me know how much they love me. Yet, somehow, I still feel so alone. I feel so empty and hollow like a large part of my life is missing. 

I feel so stupid. I had only dated Adam for a couple of months, but in the past three weeks since our 'break-up,' I've been more depressed than I was after ending my four-year relationship with Brandon. None of it made sense. I didn't want to do anything anymore. I knew it wasn't healthy, but it was like I couldn't help it. 

I stopped going for my walks. I stopped hanging out with Chelsea on the weekends. The only thing I did outside of burying myself in work was see Dad on Thursdays. Dad pleaded with me to come to church. He knew I was broken and hurting and promised that I would feel better if I got closer to God. But that was the last thing I wanted. 

I was mad at God. I was hurt by God.  God was the one who had been giving me these stupid assignments. God was the one who brought Adam into my life. God was the one who didn't remove the hourglass when the sand stopped draining. God was the one who put Adam's name on display for him to see. 

Sure, it wasn't God's fault that I fell in love with Adam. But he certainly didn't help protect me from the heartbreak that he knew would come. I felt like he was toying with me, making me believe I could have helped Adam and selfishly kept him to myself at the same time. Maybe I was being punished. I didn't know. All I knew was that I was a mess, and it was embarrassing. 

As far as I knew, no one at work knew that Adam and I were on the outs. I figured if they had, my phone would be blowing up from the girls wanting to know every detail of what happened. I was nearing the building now and anxiety increased within me. What if I saw Adam? He used to come in on Mondays and Fridays when it was my week to be here. 

Surely, he knew I was still working for the company. Would that make him mad? Would he have expected me to quit and go back to my online business? Should I have? I hadn't heard anything from anyone - including Adam's father. Maybe he was backing off now that Adam and I weren't together. 

I sighed as I braced myself to walk into work, praying - despite my anger at God - that I wouldn't run into Adam. I had hoped that maybe he wouldn't come into work this week. Or at the very least that if he did have to be here in person, he would stay holed up in his office so we wouldn't risk running into each other. 

Another very small part of me wished we did run into each other. I wanted to demand answers. I wanted to beg for forgiveness. I just wanted Adam back so we could go back to how things were. It was making me feel like a love-obsessed lunatic. 

I did my best to put on a brave face as I climbed up the floors in the elevator. I felt butterflies in my stomach and tension in my shoulders as the doors prepared to open for my floor. The lobby was empty, except for the blonde receptionist. She smiled and greeted me briefly when I stepped out of the elevator. There was no Adam waiting for me, and if the girl had been confused by me showing up without him, she certainly didn't show it. 

I breathed a sigh of relief and headed for my department. I was greeted warmly by everyone when I walked into the meeting room, taking my place at the table for our morning briefing. "It's so nice to have you here in person, Ms. Davis," my manager says, smiling at me.