The Hourglass

Fifty-Seven

It was Sunday, and I was actually going to church. After that night at the club, I felt incredibly ashamed of myself. I couldn't believe I had gotten drunk and made out with a stranger in the back of an alley. I was so lucky he was a decent guy and hadn't harmed me. 

Anger filled me at my level of stupidity. Not only that, but Adam's dream revelation also happened. Had I driven that night, I would have died. The realization finally woke me up from my zombie-like state. It had shocked me completely to my core. 

I shamefully cried and apologized to God for running away and being so angry. I thanked Him for protecting me from my own stupidity. Words couldn't even describe the utter worthlessness and disgust that I felt for myself. I knew, then, that it was time. It was time for me to fix things and go back to church. 

I needed a support group. I needed community. I needed the people who would love me and keep me on the right path, even though they weren't perfect, and they would bicker over things that didn't matter. I didn't care. What I did care about was that I had completely lost myself in Adam. I had completely lost myself in grief. It was time I sucked it up and healed, and moved on.

My dad had never been happier. "Hi, Rosebud," he greets me as I take a seat next to him in the sanctuary.  

"Hey, Dad," I smile back, feeling a little uneasy. I still didn't like being surrounded by all these people. I didn't want to be on display. I didn't want them all to smother me with their smiles and greetings and tell me they were happy to see me. But I supposed that was better than them all ignoring me and pretending like I didn't exist. Then I'd feel even more alone. 

When the music began, we all stood. I didn't recognize any of the songs. I wasn't the biggest fan of Christian music and had never really listened to much of it. I focused on the lyrics to each of the songs, just taking it all in. They sang about God's love for his people, they sang about his faithfulness, and they sang about their gratitude for it. 

I couldn't help but feel a little uneasy and uncomfortable after being out of church for so long. If this was how I felt as someone who believed, I couldn't imagine how an outsider would feel. Cringy. I immediately felt guilty for thinking that, but I figured it was probably true. 

The preacher talked about running away from God and chasing worldly things to satisfy our souls. He talked about finding our worth in other people, drinking, sex, gambling, and so on. Considering I had lost myself so thoroughly in Adam and then work and then alcohol, I easily felt convicted. 

I did my best not to cry in the service and put on a fake smile for Dad before going home. When I got home, I fell into bed and cried. God, I'm sorry. I know those things weren't the answer. But if I'm being honest, I didn't want the answer to be you. And that's awful, and I'm sorry for that. I just wanted to be loved and to enjoy life. I was tired of my monotonous routine. 

I complained to God and cried until I finally fell silent. I was almost asleep when I heard a voice tell me, You are loved, and when the time is right, I will bring you a man on Earth to love you. I want you to enjoy the life I've given you, but I want you to enjoy it safely in ways that won't hurt you. 

I blinked, startled. But then I took a deep breath and let it out, relaxing. I was loved, and I knew God had forgiven me. I drifted off into peaceful sleep after that.