L'AMOUR DE MA VIE - Billie Eilish

Prologue

I'd finally done it.

Moving to LA had been part of my plans for years. Coming from a small town in Canada, I quickly learnt just how much I hated the cold. I wanted to be somewhere warm and inviting. Somewhere exciting where I could meet all sorts of different people, where I could finally feel like I belonged.

Ever since I'd been a little girl, I'd always felt different. Like an outsider. I'd look around me and see the other girls enjoying their youth before the impending doom that would be puberty, boy problems and insecurities. As a child, I'd never felt confident enough to partake in those carefree activities. I was born an over thinker, almost crippled by anxiety and self doubt.  Those feelings remained all throughout high school. I'd thankfully managed to make a few acquaintances during classes so I wouldn't be so lonely all the time. But as soon as the school bell rang, I'd end up alone once again. Thankfully, I'd been obsessed with writing since I was a little girl. Being socially anxious made writing seem so much safer for me. No judgement, no expectations. Just writing down feelings, poems and songs without having to show anyone.

The summer before my junior year, my parents took my sister and I to LA. My dad had just gotten a raise, and he wanted to celebrate his hard work by taking us on a family trip. I'd felt excited to finally leave our hometown, even if it was just for a little while. We spent a week there, exploring the sights, the beach and enjoying the sun. I felt content, satisfied. Everything that felt wrong about my life didn't matter during that whole week. It became clear to me that I belonged here. I needed to be here. After almost 17 years of feeling dissatisfied with the people around me as well as myself, I'd finally found the answer to solve all of my problems. LA.

Returning to school that year was hell. Every person around me felt even more irrelevant now that I'd been to LA. The people felt so dull, so uninteresting, so not worth my time anymore, not that I'd given them much attention in the first place.

So, my plan to move to LA was born during that one week in July when I was 16. As soon as I'd gotten home, I got a job. Nothing too serious, just a part time job at the cafe not far from school. 20 hours a week at the most. I'd never been a big spender in the first place. Considering my lack of social skills, I'd never go out to parties or shopping with friends or to the movies. Apart from buying a couple of books here and there to pass the time, my bank account remained almost untouched. Safe to say that all my birthday/Christmas presents as well as my paychecks were going straight to my LA fund.

My mom lost it when I announced my plans to move so far away from home. She became a typical mama bear, trying to protect her cub from the outside world and all the ugliness that came with it. My dad was skeptic at first, but he eventually came around to being supportive of my decision. So supporting, in fact, he was ready to help me move to LA. Under one condition. I'd have to take all the money I'd saved up to spend a whole summer in LA to make sure that "it's what I really wanted". If, after the summer, I'd still be set on moving there, he'd finance my whole move until I could find myself a job that would pay me enough to sustain myself.

So, that's what I did when I finished senior year. I packed up my bags and stayed in LA for a whole summer.

A very eventful summer that changed everything.

Fast forward to today. I'm now 22 years old and I've finally moved to LA, and my dad's dead.

I thought I'd finally feel whole again, especially after losing my dad, but all I could feel right now was dread. This once very special place was now causing me an insane amount of anxiety. Everywhere I looked, all I could see was her.

My excitement was replaced with the fear of seeing her. LA is a pretty big place, but my luck had always been shit, since that time in first grade when I tripped and fell into an ants nest.

But I'd promised my dad that I'd move here once he finally passed. He didn't want me to give up on my dreams, even though this specific dream seemed to be ruined for me. I was a changed person after my summer in LA. I was much more sure of myself, I even managed to make a few friends as well as meet what I thought would be the love of my life. After everything turned to shit, my dad made me promise to go back to LA, so I could find that carefree, confident girl once again. That's who you're supposed to be Emily, he'd told me. Not the lonely teenager that I was in high school. I'd outgrown her to become someone I truly wanted to be.

I couldn't blame anyone but myself, really. I was the one who sabotaged my previous relationship. I wish I sabotaged it out of hate for her, but I didn't. Potentially seeing her fills me with anxiety, when it should be the opposite. She should be the one filled with dread at the idea of seeing me again, considering the fact that I broke her heart. Maybe she is scared of seeing me again. Pretty doubtful, since she didn't know I was moving to LA in the first place. As far as she knew, I was still back home in Canada and I was hoping it would stay that way.

She surely hated me now. I mean, I broke her heart. Stomped on it, really.

But I had my reasons.

For now, I settled on unpacking my stuff into my new apartment. Fact is, LA is pretty big, so the chances of actually running into her are slim, even with bad luck. Overthinking is pointless, at this point.

I climbed the stairs up to the first floor and entered my new home. Boxes were everywhere and empty walls were literally begging to be filled with decorations. I plopped down on my second hand couch that I'd managed to get for a fairly decent price. As I felt a headache coming on, all I could think about was sleeping, but it would unfortunately have to wait. I sighed as I got up to start unpacking all the shit I brought from back home. I sighed as I looked around at all the work I had to do.

Welcome home, I guess.

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So, this is the first chapter! I hope you guys enjoyed it. It's a pretty slow and shitty chapter, but I figured I'd give you guys some context before diving straight into the story. 🫶🏻 Please give the story a chance, I swear it gets better!

Also, I know Em moved from Canada to the states, and you obviously can't just move to the US without a Visa or some shit, but for this story, let's make it simple. No documentation required lmao.

Let me know what you guys think! See y'all soon 🩵