L'AMOUR DE MA VIE - Billie Eilish

Chapter 28

Billie's POV

'But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win'

As I replayed that specific verse, I couldn't help but be filled with regret. Em's new song was amazing, but the lyrics were clearly directed at me. The fact that I'd made her think that way felt unbearable to me.

I'd made a horrible mistake, but my intent wasn't to hurt her. I loved her and I unfortunately let my insecurities get the best of me. Despite my relationship with Ruby, I still held deep feelings for Emily. She was my first love, after all. The therapist I'd started seeing a few weeks ago reassured me that it was normal, but I doubted it. I wasn't occasionally nostalgic about my first love. My thoughts were consumed by Emily at all times. That wasn't normal.

I picked up my phone, dialling the familiar number. After a few seconds, she picked up.

"Hello?" Her velvety voice was enough to make my knees weak, forcing me to take a seat on my bed.

"Hey, Em."

"What's up? Are you okay?" She asked, a hint of worry in her tone.

"Yeah, don't worry. I just wanted to say congratulations on the new song release," I trailed off.

Emily stayed silent for a few seconds, before a sigh finally escaped her lips.

"Oh, well thanks, Bil," she responded softly.

"I–I also just wanted to say I'm sorry," I stuttered nervously.

"For what?"

"For making you think I didn't love you. I know the song is most likely about me, and it kills me to know that I made you feel that way," I gulped painfully.

"Bil," she sighed. "I'm not gonna lie and tell you I didn't mean what I wrote, because I did. I was hurt and angry, but I don't really feel that way anymore. I've...moved on and so have you, so please don't dwell on it too much."

"I know we're in a good place right now, but I still wanted to apologize. I still care deeply about you and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I hope you know that," I explained.

I felt Emily smile through the phone.

"I know, Bil," she reassured me. "Will I see you tomorrow?"

Fred was hosting a little movie/game night tomorrow. Everyone was invited, including Ruby and I. The upcoming sleepover was one of the reasons why I'd decided to call Emily. I didn't want things to be awkward between us, which would've resulted in the whole group feeling awkward too. Plus, Ruby would be there, and I wasn't sure I wanted to tell her about my past with Emily. It was still a very sore subject for me.

"Yeah, we'll be there," I smiled into the phone.

"Ok, well, I'd love to chat some more, but I actually have some company, so I'll just see you tomorrow," she replied.

"Oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything," I apologized to the girl.

"It's fine, Bil," she reassured me. "Talk to you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Definitely. Bye, E," I answered before hanging up.

I laid back down on my bed, my eyes trained on the ceiling. Speaking to her and having the chance to apologize had definitely helped with the anxiety I'd been feeling the whole day. Unfortunately, I felt a new wave of negative emotions wash over me. I knew for a fact that Fred was studying with Sam tonight and that Ky was working an evening shift. I sighed in frustration, only one thought plaguing my mind.