L'AMOUR DE MA VIE - Billie Eilish

Chapter 4

Billie's POV

The first thing I did when I got home was go up to my room to think. Finneas had tried to talk to me in the car, but I was too preoccupied with all the questions swirling around in my head.

As I now laid in bed, I could finally try to make sense of things. Keyword being try. I honestly had no fucking clue why she'd decided to come back. She obviously hasn't come back for me. The look she gave me when she realized that I was there was filled with pure horror, not to mention the fact that she didn't speak or look at me the whole time we were at Claudia's house. I wasn't supposed to be doing anything initially, but when Finn and Claudia announced that they were gonna visit her parents, I couldn't say no. I was dying to go somewhere normal for once. The reality is, the last year had been packed with concerts, interviews, press tours and red carpet events. I always reminded myself that I needed to be thankful, that this is my dream, but sometimes, it gets exhausting. I'm obviously doing what I truly love to do, but the fame that comes with it can be frustrating, which is why I was truly excited to see Mike and Susan. To hang around with people who see me as I truly am, and not as Billie Eilish is refreshing.

I obviously didn't expect to see her coming through the front door, though. Initially, it took me a whole minute to actually recognize her. She'd changed. She still is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, but she looked drained, tired. Her once curvy body was noticeably less. Her eyes didn't shine with the same sparkle they once used to have. She honestly looked defeated. I wondered what made her look so tired, so sad.

When I finally got the courage to actually talk to her as she was leaving, she looked guarded. It felt like I was talking to a brick wall. It frustrated me, because I used to be able to read her so easily. Her eyes were once the window to her soul and now they looked empty. The lack of emotion in her eyes threw me off, but I still managed to make my point without breaking down.

I was going to find out what she was hiding. Not out of curiosity, but for myself. I owed it to myself to finally get closure. She just left. Told me she didn't love me anymore, packed her bags and left. She looked torn, devastated even, but she still rushed out of my home like it had been set on fire. I tried to find her. I called every hotel within a 50 mile radius and no one saw her check in. I called Ky to see if Emily had shown up to her house, but she hadn't. I spammed Em's phone with calls and texts desperately asking to talk, but she never answered me back. I continued flooding her phone until she eventually changed her number. The moment I heard that her phone line was out of service, I gave up. I knew that at this point, she was probably back home in Canada. I could've easily flown there to get the answers I deserved, but she clearly didn't want anything to do with me anymore.

I was depressed for months. The worst months of my life, if I'm being honest. Obviously, the loss of someone I loved was hard to deal with, but the lack of answers and explanations made it excruciating for me. It sent me into an overwhelming state of confusion paired with sadness. I'd replayed the last few months of our relationship over and over again in my head, trying to find any indication of what might've lead to her leaving me. What might've lead her to lose feelings for me altogether. But I was met with all those beautiful memories we shared together, and that just ended up making me even sadder. Of course, we'd had our ups and downs. Dating a celebrity isn't easy, but we always managed to get through whatever the world would throw at us. The distance, the toxic fans as well as the media definitely challenged Emily, but at the end of the day, it made our relationship stronger. At least, that's what I'd thought.

I eventually started doing a little bit better. I poured all my energy and feelings into song writing. Music had always been my therapy. I slowly started seeing some friends again, whether it was for a movie night or to get some food or to go to some party. I became very close with my friend Sasha, who often comforted me on my bad days. She became my rock until I managed to pull myself together.