L'AMOUR DE MA VIE - Billie Eilish

Chapter 29

Em's POV

The summer breeze felt hot against my skin as I started to walk home. I'd just finished my shift and I was dying to get back to my apartment, eat some leftovers and crash on the couch. Truth is, I was tired, not only from my work day, but also by my constant flow of thoughts. The events of the sleepover had been playing in my mind on a loop.

I was completely conflicted. On one hand, I was upset. Seeing her with Ruby was already painful, but to know she took the girl to her secret spot, one which held a special meaning to me, felt like a knife in the gut. I should be feeling hurt, but the kiss and sweet display of affection she'd showed me on that same night was blurring the lines.

I hated myself. My heart was telling me one thing, yet my mind was screaming another. The real question was which one should I listen to. My head was telling me that she was over me. Everything pointed to that. Her new girlfriend who she proudly paraded in front of me was a prime example. Yet, the lingering glances and her affectionate displays was making my heart feel otherwise. The look in her eyes when I'd revealed to everyone that I hooked up with Aysha was enough for me to question her usual nonchalant facade.

The mask she so desperately tried to keep was slowly crumbling. A part of me felt relieved at the thought, mostly because my own facade was also getting difficult to maintain, but also because it indicated that I truly wasn't crazy. At first, I thought my lingering love for her was clouding my judgement, making me imagine things, but it had been very clear to me that night that Billie still held some type of feelings for me. Only a dumb person would think otherwise.

The other part of me felt scared, defeated. I couldn't act on the few mixed signals she'd been given me. She has a girlfriend, after all.

I made a quick turn onto my street, sighing in relief at my imminent arrival.

I knew what I had to do. I'd have to talk to Billie. Not to try and rekindle things, but to set clear boundaries. Our relationship ultimately ended because she kissed Sasha. I knew that if I continued interacting regularly with Billie, I could very well end up doing the same thing. I refused to be one of those girls who pursues someone in a relationship. I'd be a hypocrite if I did that. Billie getting with Sasha fucked me up. It filled me with self loathing, sadness and anger. There's absolutely no way I was gonna do the same thing to another girl. Ruby was sweet, despite us not having much in common. Hell, even if she was the most evil girl on this planet, I still wouldn't do that to her.

I couldn't cut Billie off completely, considering the fact that we shared a couple of friends, but I could be clear with her. No talking about Ruby, no mixed signals, nothing. In the end, it was unfair to not only Ruby, but myself as well. Deep down, I knew it was counterproductive for me to continue our close friendship. There was no way I'd be able to move on if I continued entertaining the hope of us being together. That being said, I decided that we could keep being friendly and civil, but that would be the extent of our relationship.

I stopped in my tracks as I noticed the girl I'd been thinking about sitting on my front doorsteps. I didn't know whether I wanted to thank God or curse him right now.

I reluctantly walked towards my building, Billie's head snapping up as she heard my footsteps.

"Hey," she waved.

"Hi. What are you doing here?"

The singer got up from the steps and wiped the back of her pants with her hands. Her bright blue eyes lingered on my face, a trace of awkwardness flashing through them.

"I-I wanted to talk to you. I thought you'd be at home, but I guess you were busy, so I decided to wait," she explained anxiously.

I motioned for her to follow me up to my apartment.