Before we collide (ENGLISH VERSION)

11. Am I a Lesbian?

            It was 9 am. I woke up on my own. I had been in an uncomfortable position while sleeping thinking about so many things, so I woke up a little sore. Not only because of the position but because of the weight of my thoughts. I had to do something about this, this wasn't doing me any good.

All right, I couldn't evade my subconscious anymore. It was time to face whatever was happening to me once and for all. Especially now after spending a whole day with Charlie at the mall.

The more time passed, the more doubts I had. But I knew it all had to do with something in common.

Determined, I got out of bed this morning and started my research.

I took my laptop and placed it on the bed while I drank my coffee.

"How to know if you are a lesbian," I wrote and hit enter to search.

I started clicking on the first options that appeared to me. None of the sites I had visited had made me feel comfortable enough. No matter which tests I took, I felt more and more vulnerable.

I went through the same questions over and over again, but I couldn't find any answer that made me feel completely like I was... I don't know. Maybe I was still blocking the truth in my head.

But I couldn't feel like I fit anything I found on the internet.

I mean, I felt strange with Charlie, I felt this desire to have her so close to me, but I didn't know if it was because I was in love or because she had this attractive magic surrounding her, making everyone want to be with her.

In the same way, I had to recognize that I had to know Charlie better to be able to reach a conclusion.

At the moment, I was in a hallway with a bunch of doors, each one with different color combinations, like pride flags.

I knew that perhaps the answer to all my concerns was to cross one of them, but which one?

My head was spinning between the truth and my desire to hide this inside me so that it wouldn't see the light.

At the same time, while I was browsing the internet, news about the LGBT community began to appear. I realized that they were more bad than good.

Protests, marches, injustices, murders. My mind was overwhelmed after seeing so much horrible news. I couldn't believe it, I always thought that we were too evolved and that the issue of acceptance of the LGBT community had calmed down enough, but I was wrong. My heart couldn't resist, so I immediately closed my laptop and lay down on my bed. I felt trapped again.

I remembered my father's comments, which made me feel worse about the situation. I felt his disapproving look through my thoughts.

Something in me felt different, and I knew it. I was finally discovering what it was, but my mind began to block everything out of fear of being something different than what I have always been. Not only with my friends but with my parents. I didn't want them to see me differently. I wanted to stay in the shadows, hidden from any contact with the outside world.

I wanted to disappear for a moment, I was afraid to leave. I was afraid to feel what I felt for Charlie. I was afraid to be myself. I didn't want to think about it anymore, so I decided to keep my feelings to myself for a while. I didn't want to go out into a world that, as soon as I touched it with my toe, would crush me without a thought.