I don't know where to start. so i guess I'll start from the beginning.
All of my life, i have felt like there's something that I'm missing. idk what it is but there's something. I always feel like what i have to say doesn't matter, what i do is always wrong, how i feel is irrelevant or not worth anyone's time to listen. I am alone in the world and it fucking sucks. I wish that i could disappear and get out of everyone's heads, maybe then the world would be better. you know the phrase "there's a light at the end of the tunnel"? Well, that light is starting to look like a giant train coming at me with all of the speed of the world behind it, and there's nothing that I can do about it buy cry and let it hit me. I feel like I am trapped in a shark cage drowning in my own thoughts with no escape and no way out. I try to surround myself with people who i think care about me and wants what's best for me but then I don't know if what they say is even real at that point. Are they just saying things they think I want to hear? most days i just want to cry because i feel like no one cares what i have to say, no one cares how i feel so there's no purpose in explaining it over and over again. i feel like there's no reason why i feel shitty but there's several reasons. the reasons just overpower everything else. I am lost and it's not good at all. so much is happening all around me and i cant catch up. life is moving too fast and i feel like i am paused to relive the same traumas over and over again. i try to be fine, to put on a brave face, but it never works. all i want to do is cry and run away from the world. most days, i think about death, most days i think about what life would look like if i was never here, would anyone notice? have i made that much of a change in anyone's life for them to know the difference? How many lives would be better if I'm no longer here? What would be the reason that I'm no longer here? When i had that car accident seven years ago, i thought my life was over. that's it, the end. No one would care that i was gone either. the people that i thought i could call on if i needed anything weren't there. the friends i thought i had no long er existed. I was free from this shitty life that i was forced to live. but, no. I'm still here. with more trauma, more pain, more issues, more anger, more hurt. more tears. i don't know why i survived but i hate it. i hate feeling like i don't deserve to be here. feeling like someone's punching bag. feeling like I'm being used left and right. feeling like i don't belong anywhere i go. feeling miserable. i am tired. i am exhausted. i want to give up. but then i feel like that's cheating. i shouldn't feel like my life isn't my own, i hate that i feel like i owe everyone everything. i hate being that person that others can rely on but i can never get the same back. ci have over exhausted myself time after time for everyone around me but when i cry out for help, no one is there. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not knowing what to do next. I'm tired of not knowing where to go. how i should feel, what i should say, who i may offend. being too much. feeling like I'm not enough. I'm so done with everything. i am lost in a maze of my own mind and i have no way out. But I'm tired of waiting for help that will never come...
