Hi, my name is Tiy and I'm an emotionally unstable young adult...
I'm only twenty-one and already feel like the world is on my shoulders...
People think that I overreact about little things, I do but it's for a reason. When you have someone in your life constantly talking you down your whole life, you have a tendency to question everything that you do or say.
I have low self esteem. I could probably be more successful in life than i am right now but I'm unintentionally holding myself back. I wish it was a quick fix for that.
I constantly beat myself up for being so stupid sometimes. Even though people say it's because I have a big heart and want to give it to everyone.
I don't deserve anyone that I have in my life. I really don't. I truly feel bad when people have to deal with my crying ass. No, I'm not going to filter myself so just look past it if you must.
I hate crying, especially in front of people. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I feel like someone would try to use that against me and that's one of my biggest fears.
I feel like i force people to be in my life. I feel like people hide how they truly feel about me. I always think the worst in myself. I feel like I'm a burden upon people. I don't have a lot of friends because i have trust issues.
I barely trust what anyone says anymore. I get that people have good intentions but I'm so screwed up in the head to tell the difference anymore.
People think i should see a therapist, that just makes me feel crazier than i already am. I can't say what i feel or how i feel without getting frustrated, misunderstood, or overlooked.
No, i'm not trying to beat around the bush with what I'm trying to say but it would be nice for someone, just one person, to see where I'm coming from.
I have depression. It's actually weird saying it outside of my head. I can get into these weird spaces in my head where all i see, hear and feel is darkness. I try to keep it to myself as much as possible, but it's like a cry for help at the same time. I don;t like feeling this way but when you can only change it yourself, there's not much of a change you can do at the moment. I've been writing out my feelings in multiple journals and books for so many years. I think I'm going to burn them all at the end of the year this time.
Something I've never told anyone is that for some weird reason, when i zone out, i think about every worse scenario possible that could happen to me. I don't do it on purpose, it just randomly happens. I could just zone out and think about nothing and then something pops into my head like me falling down stairs and breaking a bone. Or, If i actually died, would anyone care?
I feel like my life is worthless to be honest. It's crazy how my fingers have a lot to say when My voice does not... I feel like there isn't a real reason why I'm here. It's like i'm here to suffer and feel like i'm alone. I have a tendency to bring myself down remember. I feel like everyone expects me to be happy all of the time and I can't do that. My heart aches when i see others happy. When i see people being loved. i get angry. Even though i know i can feel that too, My brain tells me that it will never happen for me. It's almost as if i did something to someone to deserve unhappiness.
My world seems like its full of love and i refuse to accept it. It may be the truth, but i will always deny it. No one would understand where i was coming from if they read this. They would call me delusional and crazy. They would say that i was out of my right mind and they are right, i am.
How would you feel if someone always made you cry? Never showed you how to be truly independent. Always treated you like shit? Never supported you in anything without being begged. Breaking and crushing all of your hopes and dreams in a few simple words. showed favoritism. never told you that they loved you. tried to make you feel like a liar. made you feel constantly insecure about yourself. made you want to end your life. destroyed your hopes and dreams.
I'm stuck within the thoughts inside of my head. I feel like i am worthless. I care too much about people who don't feel the same about me. When people hang up the phone with me or don't text me back, i think of the worst possible reasons why.
I feel like i'm always bugging people with everything that i say or do. I don't know why people even talk or associate themselves with me. It seems like every time i try to be happy, it gets taken away.
In high school, i tried to end my life multiple times. I'm surprised that i graduated to be honest. I didn't want to go anywhere or be with anyone. I felt like if i were gone than everyone's lives would be way better without me.
I don't think I belong here. I think if i say anything to anyone, that it will make life much worse for me. I don't sing anymore. I hate the way i sound. it makes me want to cry that the one thing i used to love, the one thing that made me stand out from other people, the one thing that brought me joy, my escape from the world, is my biggest regret. I don't sing in front of people. I don't tell anyone that i can sing, I get sweaty and my heart races when someone hears me.
I wish my great grandmother was still here. With her by my side, i felt like nothing else mattered. She was always a phone call away whenever i needed her. Her smile filled up a room wherever she went. I felt like my light was gone when she passed. The main one who understood me at my lowest and never judged me, gone forever.
Great, now i'm crying again. I hate trying to express how i feel because it makes me sad and angry. like why do i always work myself up so much to the point i hate myself for having feelings, being human, showing myself as who i am for once. Trying to live for myself is one of the hardest things ever. Feeling like the bad guy is the worst thing in the world.
My name is Tiy. I'm a real fucked up individual with a whirlwind of emotions. If that frustrates you too, welcome to the club. Please don't feel sympathy for me, that's not why I'm writing this. I wrote this to clear my head and get a lot off of my chest (hopefully). Hopefully this clarifies some things about me.
-Tiy
