I just don't understand why my mood can literally change in a matter of seconds. Like, I was literally just happy and bubbly and now I'm literally irritated and mute. I have no reason to feel upset or angry, not even sad. I just feel that way. Feeling the way that I feel can be very overwhelming, especially when I end up getting caught up in my head and start to question and over think everything. The thoughts that stay in my head are ridiculous but, it's like I have no control over anything at all. Sometimes I feel like people put up with me because they feel bad for me. I feel like my attachment issues overtake my senses and overpower my free will. Being the way that I am I am prone to cling on to the awesome and happy people in my life. However, I am a huge downer. Being around happy people should change my mood. Not all the time. I've literally been sad even when I'm my happiest. I try not to express how I feel sometimes but it's evident that my face is a clear giveaway of my emotions. It sucks that I wear my heart on my sleeve like that but it's not on purpose. I try to ignore how I feel to at least give other people's emotions and feelings a chance to resolve itself. But it's kind of hard to see other people happy when I'm still miserable. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy when other people are happy, but it would be ten times better if I was happy while they were happy. Half of the time I just want to curl in a ball and hibernate until I'm a new person. I love butterflies because they symbolize transformation. However, I wish I could be as free as one. Not having a care in the world and being happy, relaxed, and free from my thoughts. Some days I wish I could rip out my heart and brain just to not feel anything. Not to overthink about anything. Just to live in that moment without constantly worrying about the littlest things. I really need to stop trying to express myself as a cry for help. If I could just shut everything and everyone out for one day and just yell and scream and cry, I would be extremely happy. Ugh!
-Tiy
