A Hero in the Dark: 2nd Edition

Chapter 43: Lost in Space

I have no idea where we'll run to. There's nowhere to run; we're in space after all. He ensured that we couldn't escape. It's literally impossible. But I meant everything I said.

Sometimes I'd rather die than think about what he did to me—preferably not by his hands or his soldiers or anything—I just want to die. I hate living like this. I hate remembering something so horrid. I hate using this Legacy, something that I'm sure he created in his lab. I hate seeing and hearing him like I did; it needs to stop! I'm nothing but a product of his work, a toy, an augmentation; even thinking it makes me shiver and sends me deeper into the rabbit hole.

"Emily?" Ella murmurs as we come to another dead end. "Is everything ok?" She's the one that slows us to a stop, and I'm forced to succumb to the burning in my leg. It drags me down 'till my butt hits the floor. I haven't realized how blurry my vision's become. My cheeks are hot and I'm sweaty and out of breath. I didn't know how badly I was relying on Ella's direction. She's been leading me, running with me, because I couldn't see for myself.

I sigh and shake my head, and she puts a hand on my shoulder. I honestly don't know why I feel like this. I stood up to him, and I'm still alive! For once, I talked back to someone. I spoke out and nothing happened! It felt good! I shouldn't feel this way now. I should be proud. It's just that this is nothing like I expected my life to become when I joined the Loric. I thought I would help. Not this. I thought it would be that simple. Now Setrákus Ra wants me to rule with him? With Five and Ella? I can't do that, can I? No—

"Emily, what's going on?" Ella asks. "I've never seen you like this before. You're always so strong and brave. I think you are that—"

"I was only that because I thought I had to be," I tell her. "I always have to be, but ever since being stuck... in there, I just—I don't know how to be those things anymore..." I stop to breathe a few shaky breaths while Ella says nothing. She just watches me. "I know you don't understand, but it's like everywhere I look, I see him there, watching me, watching me while my wrists burn. It's like it happens all over again, like it never ends." It's quiet. Ella only stares, listening to my hiccup-y cries. "You don't have to believe me, but that's what it feels like: pain that never ends. He's like a black cloud, I guess, hovering over me until there's no sky left to be found. I hate him so much, Ella; you have no idea how much I hate him. You have no idea how much I want to see him dead. I don't think I could ever do it, but I want to see him dead so bad. It's why I watched you guys train. It hurt to see that, to remember the struggle of fighting until it's over, but I had to see if you guys were ready to face him—because I couldn't; I knew I couldn't. You guys were my only hope to finding some peace again. If I had known what I was sending John into... well, I would've listened the first time and gone back to him when he asked me to—in Chicago. Everything feels like it's falling apart, and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go or how to fix any of this. I don't even know if I can..."

"Of course you can."

"No, I can't," I say, shaking my head. "I can't even see the glow in my hands without seeing him."

"You'll find a way," Ella tries. "I know you will. You just need time to figure it out."

It's quiet for a while; it does nothing to calm me down. "You know, my dad told me something like this might happen."

"Really?"

"In that motel," I explain, nodding. "None of us could sleep and my parents wouldn't stop peppering me with questions. My dad said things could get worse. I didn't want to believe him, but he's always been right about things like that. I had no choice but to believe him, but I didn't really care. I knew I had to go. I thought I was more useful with you guys than away."

"You are."

"Sometimes it doesn't feel that way."

"Emily, I don't know what you read, but I think you are helpful." I look up at her, wondering what exactly she means, and either she's reading me telepathically or she just understands, because she continues, "What exactly did you read?"

I bite my lip, knowing I won't be able to hide it from her. "I read about a lot of stuff. For one, Pittacus said Henri was supposed to die before he left Paradise. John wasn't the one to find you and Marina in Spain—it was just Six. Hell, Pixie didn't even exist. Adelina never made it to India; she died in the monastery; Crayton was supposed to die in India. Six never freed Nine; it was John, and there's probably way more that I'm forgetting." I pause. "But now things are messed up more than ever. I have a Chimæra that follows me around—I don't even know if she's still alive—and John and Marina are hurt. If what he said is true, the Garde have been detained. Sam's MIA. Lexa too, we're lost in space, and I have Legacies. Legacies! Things couldn't be any more screwed up, and I don't know how to fix it! It's my fault any of this happened at all—because I joined you guys, because I couldn't stay away—I changed almost every outcome and fate of your people, and nothing makes sense anymore. It's just all too unpredictable."

Ella stills. I hide in my arms, rock, cry—I can't stop, at least until a new voice meets us down the hall. "Sometimes unpredictability can be a good thing though," he says. I look up to find Five floating ahead, but he lowers himself when I do.

"What do you want?" I spit.

"Beloved Leader told me to find you and, well, encourage you to make the right choice."

"Yeah? Tell him my answer hasn't changed."

"I will, but before I do..." His voice drops then, lower than ever I heard it. "I probably shouldn't be saying this, but... sometimes it's good to have a bit of unpredictability, Emily. It keeps things interesting, like, uh, you. Beloved Leader believes in you, whether you believe that or not, and well, let's just say that I do too."