A Hero in the Dark: 2nd Edition

Chapter 114: Plagued by Adulthood

~ Number Four's POV ~

Every night I'm plagued by that night, my actions—or my inactions, I should say—and the way I turned over as soon as I was satisfied. Why did I ever say no to her? God, if I had filled her until she was sated too, maybe we wouldn't be like this now. She was practically begging me to! And I denied her. Of course, if I had, I'd probably still be upset with her about whatever happened in Iceland, but at least we'd be together, right?

Shit. Maybe this was bound to happen eventually, like fate. I swore we wouldn't end up this way; I swore I'd give her everything she ever wanted, everything she rightfully deserved. Now here we are, and what the fuck am I?

Nine's been on my ass about securing the academy. "Can you do this, John?" or "Can you do that, John?" It's like he doesn't realize that just because I can copy almost every Legacy we've encountered, I get tired just like him. I'm not a machine, for Lore's sake! But was I treating Em like one? She said I used her, and at the time, I didn't even realize that's what I was doing. I read somewhere that orgasm denial was a good punishment, and though I hate to punish her, I felt like I had to do something, something so she'd know how I felt.

Maybe I do deserve this.

I've been working my ass off around here, and in a way, I guess it's because I want to see what it's like—to be used. I can wholly say it sucks though.

Nine's been preparing to stop the Foundation as soon as we hit September. Meanwhile I've been running around talking to as many of his students as I can, trying to learn their Legacies, and on top of that, I've been seeing Dr. Linda a lot too—nothing about Em or anything though! I've been trying to figure out why she'd send files to these people at all.

"John, I don't know why you keep seeing me," she says, sipping from her afternoon coffee without a care in the world. "I stopped sharing personal files weeks ago. There's no reason for our daily talks—unless of course, you'd like some counselling yourself."

"Save it for your patients, Linda," I tell her, trying my best to remain self-centred—another downside to having the world know who I am. Everyone expects me to be calm all the time, like I have everything under control. But the truth is I'm slipping with every day that passes. "I know you're lying. You didn't stop sending shit to them. The question is why?"

She takes a breath, and I can't help but feel like a kid that dropped his popsicle. "It's a personal reason."

"Well, why don't you tell me? If something's wrong, I'll try to help."

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong," she swings back, which completely stops me in my tracks. "How's Emily? Is everything alright between you two?"

I swallow my guilt before that day comes back to haunt me. "We're fine," I say. "Peachy."

"You sure?" she asks, and the fact that she's pushing me pisses me off. "You don't look ok, John. In fact, every time you come and see me, you look worse and worse."

I don't question her observations. I have no doubt what she's saying is true; I know it is. Every time I look in the mirror, I see it too. I haven't shaved since she disappeared, and my hair's grown out way past my ears. Not only that but with every day, it's like the pain in my eyes grows more intense. I don't know how I'm still functioning.

I sigh. "I'll tell you about me and Emily if you want to know, but only under two conditions."

"And what conditions are those?"

"One: You don't file anything I say to the Foundation like you have the students' cases."

"Ok... and the second?"