Suffering Part 6: No Longer

Chapter 8

When you all get back to the house, you quietly move through the motions of preparing a simple lunch for everyone.

Severus and Lucius help settle the children, their earlier frustrations set aside as they focus on the family. You serve sandwiches and fruit, and the twins chatter happily about their day at the park, their energy infectious even as you feel a heavy weight inside.

After lunch, the children go down for a nap, their sleepy faces a small comfort amidst your turmoil. Once they are settled, you retreat to the living room. 

You open the wooden box on the high shelf above your record collection and take out a joint, craving the numbness it promises.

You step outside, the cool air a sharp contrast to the storm raging inside you. As you lift the joint to your lips, you suddenly remember that you're breastfeeding. 

The realization hits you like a physical blow, and a surge of anger and frustration wells up inside you. You throw the joint to the ground, your hand shaking with the intensity of your emotions.

"Fucking hell," you mutter through gritted teeth, the tears you've been holding back now flowing freely.

You feel trapped, unable to find a moment's respite from the constant demands and pressures. You just wanted a few moments to numb yourself, to escape from the relentless thoughts and fears, but even that small solace is out of reach.

After a few minutes, the sound of the door opening catches your attention. You look up to see Severus standing there, concern written all over his face. He steps outside and closes the door behind him, walking over to you slowly.

"What's going on?" he asks, his voice gentle but firm.

You shake your head, unable to find the words. "I just... I can't do this right now," you say, your voice cracking. "I needed a break, just a moment, and I can't even have that."

"A break from what exactly?" he asks, his eyes searching yours for understanding.

"A break from being me," you reply, your voice barely above a whisper. The words hang in the air, heavy with the weight of your exhaustion and frustration.

Severus's expression softens, and he kneels down the sofa you're sitting on, his hand reaching out to touch yours.

The view of the serene loch and the surrounding forest is beautiful, but it does little to calm the turmoil inside you. "I understand," he says quietly. "I truly do, Princess."

His words only anger you more. "You don't understand," you snap, pulling your hand away. "And frankly, your positivity is making me sick."

Severus remains patient, though you can see the hurt flicker in his eyes. "I know you're angry," he says softly. "And I know you're suffering. But lashing out won't help."

You glare at him, your voice full of venom. "That's rich coming from you. What do you know about suffering? You always have everything under control. You never fall apart."

Severus takes a deep breath, his patience unwavering. "You see only what I let you see," he says quietly. His face speaks a myriad of words, and you feel a speck of guilt creep in.

However, His calm demeanor only fuels your anger. "I don't need a lecture," you snap. "I need to be left alone."

Severus nods slowly, standing up and giving you the space you demand. "Alright," he says gently. "I'll leave you alone."

As he walks away, you feel a mix of relief and guilt. You want to push everyone away, to push them away and make them just as unhappy as you currently are for situation you made up entirely within your head. You sit there for a few moments, trying to calm the storm inside you.