Atonement

23.Rage

                                                          SULTANA

It's been six months since i got married, six month of happiness and sadness, six months of silent cries that no one knows about. I was told that if one falls in love, they tend to forget their identity but growing up i realized falling in love only help you build on our identity, making you better. Love is an emotion that i have no control over. With Anwar, i feel safe but never at home. He makes me the happiest woman on earth yet still i cry of loneliness every night.
Today i woke up with a blend of emotions. I feel sad yet happy. My husband is out of the country so that means no date nights till he is back. I have been wanting to give my heart out to him, for him to take it or do whatsoever he wishes but my body rejects it so i guard it back.
It's 9:00pm already, the earth offering all it's beauty, the scent of earth for it just finished raining and the beautiful stars grazing down at me and the moon, in all her glory, illuminating her calmness and light all over me as i sit in the garden, laying down on the grass with my face facing up at the sky. I sighed as one of the stars twinkle. In as much as i try to guard my mind from visiting the past, some days, it revisits some memories causing hot tears to my eyes.
Healing is a process they say,slowly you get to be completely healed. To me, healing is a lifetime process, one day you wake up feeling like you have the best life and some days feel like crashing on a plane, leaving no piece of you as the demons have eaten all.
Maybe i can disappear and never come back. I always have Molly with me, on days it gets too much to handle i whisper to myself 'Dear Sultana, it's only for a day and no one will know.' then take down a pill.

I am that person and maybe, just maybe, drugs are a part of my identity. With the night getting darker, i picked up my book, my blanket and my mug and head inside.

There is a scent, a familiar scent coming from my father's parlor. I slowly dropped the things in my hands and walk towards the door hoping it is not the person i suspected.
Loe and Behold, Qalb sat there with a woman by his side facing my parents.

I wasn't sure what to feel, anger, happiness, sadness or the unexpected gush of love running through my veins. I could feel my heart beat through my ears and my palms all of a sudden turned wet.
Slowly, i move closer to them only to notice a small bump on the woman. I kept my thoughts to myself because i don't know how i will feel if my suspecions turns right.

"Qalb..." i finally got to mutter. His eyes looked up to me...silently, he stood up. I could see the pain and guilt written on his face as he approached me but beneath all that, i saw happiness. His features clearly healthy and he has added weight.

Is it wrong for me to wish he is in agony, pale from excess cries? Am i wrong for wishing he lives in sadness and wish for nothing but me? for i am his life and he told me that.

"Sultana." His voice rang in my ears like a song of melody. I ran to hug him only to notice the woman with bump behind him smiling as she takes in his arms.

I stopped right on track. It is the first time i am seeing him after months, he should run to me, he should be craving for my presence not be comfortable in another woman's arms.

"Who is she?" I asked.

I stepped back looking right into his eyes, he then look back at her for assurance, it seems.

Crack
Crack
Crack. I felt my heart breaking further more.

"This is Maryam, My wife." He whispered. He sounds so funny that i want to laugh my ass out.

As a human you get to choose what you want to believe and for me this is not one of them. His so called wife used her hands to pat her bump squeezing his hands. It felt like a mock. Hell it made a sound even 'look who he loves'.
Frustrated, i jumped on her, grabbing her veil until it falls off her head. I used the opportunity and dragged her now exposed hair.

I hear voices faintly but all i could think of is how to harm this excuse of a woman.

"SULTANA!" I hear Qalb's yell as he threw me off her causing me to hit my back. I winced in pain trying to get up but i couldn't.

I watched in amazement as he held her to his body, caring for another woman while i drench in pain. Sultan quickly rushed to my side helping me up.

"YOU BITCH! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THAT YOU ARE SHOWING ME YOUR BUMP?" I yelled throwing myself out of Sultan's arms.

To my surprise, Qalb stood between me and his wife. It really aches seeing him protect her.

"Stop being a gangster that you..." He started and paused pinching the bridge of his nose.
Wow!

"What Qalb? continue, A gangster that i am..." I completed it for him. Smiling to myself. I feel like a sad joke. Realization dawned on me causing me to take a few steps back.

"Was that why you refused to marry me?" I said, almost to myself.

"Sultana please..." Qalb started speaking but i cut him off because who does he think he is?

"Was that why you left me on the day of our wedding?" I asked again, my body aching for answers.

"Sultana please listen to me." He said again trying to hold my hands.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled and pushed him back. My answers sat right there along with his silence. My eyes feel like pepper. My heart, worst.

"Sultana it was beyond his doing." The woman behind him said while he stood there like a statue letting fake tears rolls from his eyes.

"IN KIKA KARAMIN MAGANA ZAN NUNA MIKI NI BA KARAMAR MAHAUKACIYA BACE."

"And you, take your wife and leave our house or else..." i stared at him, his wife then the baby bump.

"I am sure you won't mind making another baby."

His eyes widens in shock as he move steps forward to me but before i can process it, a figure stood between us. His scent, my obsession...Anwar.

"You heard her." He said calmly. Some thing i really hate about him. No matter how bad  situation gets he handles it calmly even during times that requires him to shout or jump on a person or even shoot.

I wasn't able to see their faces as they leave but i was able to see how Maryam shamelessly dragged Qalb away from the house.

Without a word to my parents or Sultan i walked out to my room.

I sat on my bed, ferociously cleaning the tears falling from my face. I hate the feeling, feeling useless when i am not supposed to feel that way. To be honest, i expected myself to be worst than this, the emotion are not even as strong as i expected them to be but still, that doesn't mean my current emotions are invalid.

Anwar walked in and sat by my side. Talking about him, i can't help but feel embarrassed. I just hope he didn't see me jump on her. I watched as he removed his links and cap. I am just noticing he is wearing a blue kaftan, first time.
He turned off the brightest light and lay down in the middle of the bed.
This is the first time in six months that he is on my bed, he used his hands to pull me in, placing my head on his chest.

"I hate them." i murmured snuggling into his chest.

"I know. Your head will ache, let's talk about it tomorrow."
He started reciting Suratul Taha in his soothing voice.

My body snuggled more into his as i close my eyes, forgetting the chaos, pain and pecks of reality.

For the first time Anwar's presence felt warm, cozy...it feels like home..