A Journey Through Time

Chapter 79 - What Use To Motivated Me

What was I doing when I was younger?

playing with toys
playing outside (riding bikes, playing on the playground)
watching cartoons
playing video games
drawing and coloring
reading books
crocheting
playing board games and puzzles
playing musical instruments

I've always been curious and explorative. Anytime I had a question about anything, I spent time learning more about it. And I enjoyed learning and excelling in class when I was younger. But I think I was interested in learning everything I learned because it was all so new. Now I'm not sure what I would want to learn more about.

I played games because they were fun. I hung out with my sister and childhood friends because I loved feeling connected. I was bullied back then, so any time I could connect with someone who was nice to me was a great experience.

I enjoyed solving puzzles, playing musical instruments and engaging in educational games because I not only liked learning, but I liked being good at something. Constantly being criticized for things I would do wrong, I loved when I knew I how to do something well. I also like board games and academic contests for similar reasons. I wanted to be the best. I wanted to prove that I was good at something.

I loved drawing, coloring, and crocheting because I loved creating something out of nothing. I loved experimenting with colors. I loved learning how to make things using basic materials. I loved exploring my imagination and seeing what I could do. I loved sharing my creations with my friends, teachers, and family.

I wanted to show off my skills and perform well in school. I wanted my family to be proud of me. But I also sought comfort and solace in an often chaotic environment.

I loved doing all these things because I got to express myself, I got to connect with friends and family, I was able to have fun, I got to challenge myself, I got to learn new things, and I was able to push myself to be better at what I loved to do.

But I think I don't engage in these activities anymore because I'm now more motivated by tangible, long-term benefits over the in-the-moment pleasures. I used to do things because it felt good to do them in the moment. I wasn't thinking about the future. But now I have to think about my life, and my future all the time.

It's not just about creative expression anymore. It's about what I'm expressing, why I'm expressing it, and how that will ultimately benefit me in the future if I choose to continue that activity.

It's not just about connecting with friends. It's about the type of friends I'm connecting with, the type of activities we do together, and ultimately whether or not I want to keep these friends in my life for the long term.

It's hard to have fun when you know that the fun you have doesn't last long and that you eventually have to get back to work. When I was younger, I was eager to finish my work because I knew fun was on the other side. After homework, then I can run around and play. Now I'm not sure what's on the other side of my work (as in what's on the other side of it in the long run). I thinks it's because work isn't as enjoyable as it used to be when I was younger. The work I did was more important back then because I needed to know everything I was learning in school. Now I'm not sure home important my work is and the ultimate benefit it will give me in the long run. I do the work everyday, but then I have nothing to show for it but the money I made. And even then, it gets spent, so then there's really nothing to show for it. I feel like I can't fully enjoy myself unless my life is stable and I don't have to work anymore (like when I was younger). I'm probably afraid to enjoy myself because of the pressure to make money and be productive and useful.