My Journey Through Self Love

Chapter 10 - What Use To Motivated Me?

BONUS CHAPTER

I've always been curious and explorative. Anytime I had a question about anything, I spent a lot of time learning more about it. And I enjoyed excelling in all of my classes.

I used to play a lot of games because they were fun. I hung out with my sister and childhood friends because I loved feeling connected.

I enjoyed solving puzzles, playing musical instruments, and engaging in educational games because I not only liked learning, but I liked being good at something. Constantly being criticized for things I would do wrong, I loved when I knew how to do something well. I also liked board games and academic contests for similar reasons. I wanted to be the best. I wanted to challenge myself and I wanted to prove that I was good at something challenging.

I also loved drawing, coloring, and crocheting because I loved creating something out of nothing. I loved experimenting with colors. I loved learning how to make things using basic materials. I loved exploring my imagination and seeing what I could do. I loved sharing my creations with my friends, teachers, and family.

I loved doing all these things because I got to express myself, I got to connect with friends and family, I was able to have fun, I got to challenge myself, I got to learn new things, and I was able to push myself to be better at what I loved to do.

But I think I don't engage in these activities anymore because now I'm motivated by tangible, long-term benefits over the short-term, in-the-moment pleasures. I used to do things because it felt good to do them in the moment. But I wasn't thinking about the future. Now I think about my life and my future all the time.

It's not just about creative expression anymore. It's about what I'm expressing, why I'm expressing it, and how that will ultimately benefit me in the future if I choose to continue that activity.

It's not just about connecting with friends. It's about the type of friends I'm connecting with, the type of activities we do together, and ultimately whether or not I want to keep these friends in my life for the long term.

It's hard to have fun when you know that the fun you have doesn't last long and that you eventually have to get back to work. When I was younger, I was so eager to finish my work because I knew fun was on the other side. After homework, then I can run around and play. Now I'm not sure what's on the other side of my work in the long run. I'm not sure how important my work will be and the ultimate benefit it will give me in the long run.