You'll Be Alright - Taylor Swift

Part 27

I could hear my heart thumping really loudly in my ears. I closed my eyes, held my breath, and jumped.

The water was super cold, and it felt like it was grabbing me, pulling me down. I tried to swim back up, but the more I kicked, the more tired I got. The boat was getting farther and farther away, and I couldn't see James and Inez anymore. I couldn't see Austin and big Ryan. I couldn't see Taylor. I need Taylor.

I tried to scream, but the water rushed into my mouth, and it tasted salty and yucky. I could see fish swimming around me, and bubbles were everywhere. I wanted to go up to the light, where the sun was shining through the water, where Taylor was, but my arms and legs felt heavy like they were made of rocks. The water was dark below me, and it was scary. I wanted Taylor and Woof, but they were so far away. I felt like I was falling, but I was falling into nothing.

My chest hurt because I needed to breathe, but I couldn't. The water was all around me, squeezing me, and it felt like it was never going to let me go. I wished I hadn't jumped off the boat. I wished I had just stayed safe with Taylor and that we had never left her place in New York.Everything started to get blurry, and I felt like I was spinning. The sparkly water turned into darkness, and then I couldn't see anything at all.

It was so quiet and cold, and I felt all alone. I wanted to wake up and be in my bed with Taylor humming my song and Woof under my arm. But I couldn't wake up. I just kept sinking and sinking, and then everything was gone.

Suddenly, I felt something cold grab my shoulders and push me down further. I tried to scream, but water filled my mouth, and it was even colder than the ocean. My eyes were wide open, but I couldn't see who was holding me. It was like there were invisible hands, and they were really strong. The water was so freezing it felt like needles poking me all over.

I kicked and thrashed, but the hands pushed me down harder. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I could hear it echoing in my ears. I tried to reach the surface, to get into the air that seemed so much closer than it did just moments before, but I couldn't move. The water was so close to my face, and I could see the ceiling and the light above, just like that bathroom back in Edinburgh, but it felt so far away.

I couldn't be in that bathroom, though. I couldn't be back in Edinburgh with Cory and Mummy. Taylor came and saved me. Taylor took me far away from them. Taylor said Mummy and Cory are gone for good. So, how am I back? Is Cory holding me in the bathtub again? Was I naughty again? I didn't mean to be. Maybe I never found Taylor. Maybe the water confused me.No, it couldn't be like that, could it? I don't want Taylor to be made up. I need Taylor. I have to get to Taylor.

My lungs started to hurt because I needed to breathe. The bubbles from my mouth were floating up, but I was stuck. My arms and legs were getting tired, and I felt so weak. I was trying to fight against the hands on my shoulders. I promise I was. But I couldn't get his hands off. He was too strong. He was always too strong. The fear was like a monster in my chest, making everything worse.

I wanted to cry for Taylor, but I couldn't. The water was pressing on me, and it was so cold it felt like I was turning into ice. The bathroom light seemed to get dimmer, and I couldn't tell what was real anymore. The fear was growing inside me, bigger and bigger, until it was all I could feel.I kept trying to fight, but my body wasn't listening. Everything was getting fuzzy, and I felt like I was floating away, even though I was still being held down. The cold was everywhere, inside me and around me, making me shiver even though I couldn't move.

I just wanted it to stop. I wanted Taylor to come back and hold me, to tell me everything was okay. I wanted Taylor to hum my song while she held me, her fingers playing with my hair while I played with her necklace. I want Taylor.

But she was gone, and I was all alone in the cold, dark water.

The fear was the worst thing, worse than the cold. It was the exact same fear Cory used to bring me. It has to be Cory. He has to be holding me down. It was a dream, wasn't it? Taylor was a dream.

Everything started to go black, and I felt like I was falling into a deep, dark hole with no way out.As everything faded, I heard whispers. Soft, scary whispers that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. They were telling me things I didn't want to hear, things that made the fear even worse. The darkness around me felt like it had eyes, watching me, waiting for me to give up. The cold was so intense, it felt like it was sinking into my bones.I wanted to scream, but I had no voice. The fear was squeezing my heart, making it hard to think and remember anything good. The light above was now just a tiny speck, getting smaller and smaller until it was gone. I felt like I was being swallowed by the dark, icy water, and there was nothing I could do.

At that moment, I realised I was utterly alone. The invisible hands were still holding me down, and I couldn't fight anymore. I felt tears mix with the freezing water, but they didn't change anything. The whispers got louder and more urgent, filling my head with fear and sadness.I wished more than anything that I could wake up, that this nightmare would end, but it kept going. The darkness and cold were all around me, and I was lost in it, unable to find my way back. It was the scariest thing I had ever felt, a fear so big and so dark that it seemed to go on forever.

And then a different voice filled my ears; it was louder and sounded different. It wasn't scary. It was panicked. It was calling my name over and over again, and suddenly it felt like there was an earthquake in the water, my whole body shaking.

"RYAN!"

My body shot up, the pressure on my shoulders finally easing up as I took deep, panting breaths, the air feeling foreign in my lungs after so long in the water. Looking around crazed, I couldn't understand. This isn't a boat. It's not even the bathroom back in Edinburgh. There isn't any water around.

Suddenly, I was moved, my body swaying as my vision went black, something warm and comforting blocking my blurred view of where I was. Taking yet another deep breath, the scent of peace hit me, and I realized where I was. I'm with Taylor. I'm not on a boat; I'm not with Cory in Edinburgh. I'm not in the water. I'm safe and sound with Taylor in New York.

I continued to take deep breaths, my lungs burning at the sudden addition of air. Soft murmurs fill my ears. "Just close your eyes, you'll be alright. Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound." My song. Taylor is singing my song to me, softly swaying us both as she holds me close to her.

I don't know how many times Taylor sang the song for me, but when what used to be a dark room slowly but surely filled with light and by the time my breaths felt normal, the room was light, and I felt exhausted.

"Hey, buddy," a voice cooed as I finally felt safe enough to look up from my hiding space, which was Taylor's neck. I don't know what to say back. I don't know what words are the right ones to use right now. Are there any good words for right now? "That dream was scary, huh? Do you think talking about it would help?" She asked softly, playing with my hair softly as she moved it behind my ear since it was over my eyes.

I just stared at her, not knowing what to say. If I tell Taylor about my dream, she will be sad—I know she will be—and I really don't want to make her sad. I love Taylor. I love it when she's happy, and I don't want her to be anything but happy.

"You know, I used to get scary dreams. My Mommy would sit with me like this and just hold me until I felt better, and once I did, I would tell her all about what happened, and then suddenly, it didn't feel so scary. Would you like to give it a try?" She asked, her voice still soft as she continued to play with my hair, her other hand tracing patterns on my shoulder.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, little survivor," she adds a few minutes later when I don't say anything back, smiling at me so I know she really means it. "How about we go to the music room instead? I can play for you, or you could play for me. The choice is all yours. You make the decisions, buddy," she tries instead, but I just continue to stare at her, terrified that if I take my eyes off her, I will wake up back in the water.

"How about we go get some breakfast, and you can take your pills, and then we go play some music? Huh? We can do anything you want to do. We can stay in our pyjamas all day and watch Harry Potter. Or we could watch Frozen. Or we can cuddle with the cats. We can eat chocolate and chicken all day, and we can drink as many fruit shoots as we want to. Or you can make friendship bracelets with Austin and me. Just tell me what will cheer you up, and we can do that, buddy," she tries again, but I just keep staring at her.

I don't want to do any of that. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay right here in Taylor's arms, where I know that Cory can't get me. Where I know the water can't get me. Where I know I am safe and sound.

When I'm not with Taylor, bad things happen. Bad things happened before I met Taylor, really bad things. And bad things happen when I leave Taylor's side. I got lost and scared in the stadium. I got stuck in the water and couldn't get out. Bad things happen, and I am sick and tired of bad things. I don't want any more bad things to happen to me.

I just want to be safe and sound, just for once. And that means I just want to stay in Taylor's arms and not do anything else. I don't even want to play the piano. The piano makes me feel. It makes me get out all the big feelings I am feeling. And I am tired of all the big feelings. I am tired of being sad, and mad, and scared. I am tired. So, so tired. It's not fair.

I just want to be happy and safe. When is it my turn to be happy and safe?

Taylor gently rocked me back and forth, her soft voice humming the melody that always made me feel better. The room grew brighter with each passing moment, and I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, the darkness would fade away.

"It's okay to be scared, little survivor. It's okay to feel. But I promise you, you're safe now. You have me, and I won't let anything bad happen to you. Not any more. I know I have said it before, and bad things keep happening. I'm sorry that I keep failing to protect you. But I promise, even if bad things happen, I am always going to be here for you. To hold you when you are sad or, upset, or overwhelmed. Or if you're happy and just want someone to celebrate with. It's you and me. That's my whole world, buddy. And I am going to be here, always. You don't have to tell me about your bad dream if you don't want to. But if you're not telling me because you think it will make me sad and you don't want me to be sad, then I want you to know it's okay. You can tell me anything, buddy, anything. And yes, it might make me sad because it breaks my heart when you're sad. But the sadness won't last. I promise it won't. Because how can I be sad when I have the best thing in the world in my arms?" She says so softly as she continues to play with my hair, her body still swaying as I go back to hiding in her neck, thinking about her words.

I clung to her words, wanting so badly to believe them. I wanted to trust that Taylor could keep me safe from the nightmares, from Cory, from everything. Her heartbeat was steady against my ear, a comforting rhythm that slowly calmed the storm inside me.

After what felt like forever, I found my voice. It was shaky and weak, but it was mine. "I... I had a bad dream," I whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear.

Taylor nodded, her hand still stroking my hair. "I know, buddy. Do you want to tell me about it?"I hesitated, then nodded slowly. "I was in the water. It was so cold, and it felt like it was pulling me down. I couldn't see the boat, and I couldn't find you. All I wanted was you. And then there were hands... holding me down in the bathtub. I was back... back..." I stutter, tears filling my eyes as I dig myself further into Taylor's shoulders. I want to be closer to her. Why can't I get closer? Taylor is safe. I want to be safe.

Taylor's grip on me tightened, and she kissed my forehead. "It's okay, little survivor. You're safe now. Those hands can't hurt you anymore. You're not back there. You're here with me. Cory is gone, remember. He is gone, and he can't hurt you anymore," she whispers back, her hand creeping up the back of my shirt as she draws shapes across my skin so I can feel her hand."But it felt so real," I said, tears filling my eyes. "I thought I was back in Edinburgh with Cory. I thought he was holding me down again. He always did it. The water was cold. So cold. It was colder than the sea. And I could see the light, I could touch it. But he just kept holding me down tighter and tighter, and I couldn't get up. I couldn't get to you. I want you," I sob, still wiggling to get closer to Taylor.

She hummed softly, making a shushing noise as she separated from me quickly, which had me sobbing more. "Two seconds," she pleaded, pulling her top off before pulling mine off and then pulling me flush to her body, her skin against mine, reminding me that she was here. She is with me. "You're not there anymore, Ryan. You're here with me, in New York. Cory can't hurt you. He is gone, and even if he weren't gone, I wouldn't let him hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt you again, buddy. I love you, and I won't let you go ever again," she says softly, her voice soft as she sniffles, which makes me cry harder. I made Taylor sad. I made her cry. I did that.

I buried my face in her neck again, her warmth and the sound of her voice grounding me as I continued to sob. My breaths are choppy as I hold myself as tightly as possible to Taylor, pushing every part of my body against hers. Wanting, no need, to feel her skin against mine, needing to know that I'm not in the water. But I'm safe and sound with Taylor.

"What else did Cory used to do, buddy?" She asked so softly I barely heard her over my cries, making me whine as I stuffed my face even more into her neck. "I know it makes you sad and mad to think about what he did. I know you think it will make me feel the same way when I hear what he did. But I think it will help. I think that while it might make us both feel bad right this second, in the long run, it will help. I think it will make tomorrow a little easier and the next day a little easier, and so on, until one day you wake up and the sad and bad feelings don't hurt as much. I wish I could take away all your pain, little survivor. Believe me, if I could, I would. But I can't. No matter how much I wish I could. This, though, talking about it, it might help you. So, if you are ready, do you think you can tell me?" She keeps talking as I continue to cry against her neck, images of all the bad things Corey used to do flashing across my eyes no matter how close I shuffle against Taylor.

"Cory was bad. He was so bad. He used to tell me I was the bad one, that he was teaching me to be good. But you're good, Taylor, and you are nothing like Corey. I don't like Corey. I don't like him. He was mean and bad and not good at all. I don't want to be bad like him, Taylor. Am I really a bad girl like he said?" I sob, trying not to think about what he used to do, but it's impossible. Not even Taylor can make Corey go away for good.

"No, buddy, no. You're not bad at all. You are so good. You are the best little girl in the whole world. You are nothing like Corey, nothing. You hear me. You are kind and gentle and sweet and loving. You are all these things. Corey wasn't any of them. I don't have to meet him to know that you are nothing like him. Have I lied to you before?" She asks, and I just shake my head, mad that the tears won't stop. "That's right, I haven't, and I'm not about to start. I promise you are not a bad girl. You don't have a bad bone in your perfect little body, little survivor. You, Ryan Margarie Swift, are nothing like Corey," she states firmly, her hands playing with my hair as the other continues to trace shapes on my back.

"Corey was angry all the time. He would hit old Mummy. I didn't like it when he did that. If she could, old Mummy would hide me. But sometimes she couldn't. So, I would try and stop him. He would hit me when I did. He would just keep doing it until I couldn't stop him anymore. The kids at school were mean. They called me stupid and ugly. They would mess up my uniform. Cory would yell when I came home messy. He would tell me I was reflecting on him poorly. He would tell me if I couldn't stay clean and neat, he would make sure I would. He would hold me in the bathtub until I was clean again. Under the water, in the cold. If the house didn't have a bathtub, he would do the same in the shower. He was bigger than me. I couldn't fight him off. He would drink adult juice, and sometimes, he would smell funny; those were the times he was the meanest. That and moving day. I wasn't allowed to sit in the car on moving day. He would make me go in the boot with the bags. I don't like the boot, Taylor. It was dark and lonely, and the bags hurt. His friends were mean, too—especially the one who came by the most. He was meaner than Corey was. Corey would leave me with him sometimes. I didn't like that. At all. Please don't make me see him again, Taylor. Don't make me go in the boot. Don't put me in the water. Don't hit me. Don't send me back, please, Taylor. I promise I'll be better. I'll stop being bad. I'll be good. I promise, I promise I will. Please," I start, not being able to control my words as they stumble out my mouth around sobs, my head spinning as I try and fight off the thoughts in my head.

But all I can think about is Corey. About what life was like before Taylor. About all the bad things. So many bad things. All bad. No good. No happy. No, Taylor. "T-a-y-" I sob, just wanting good and happy again.

My heart is pounding so hard it feels like it's going to explode out of my chest. I can hear it in my ears, and it's so loud. I can't breathe right. It's like my chest is being squeezed by an invisible hand, tighter and tighter. I'm trying to get air, but it's like there's no air to breathe. I can't make my lungs work.

My hands are shaking, and I can't make them stop. My whole body is shaking. I feel so cold, but I'm sweating a lot. It's dripping down my face, and it feels gross, but I can't wipe it off because my hands won't stop shaking.

Everything around me looks blurry. It's like I'm looking through fogged-up glasses. I can't focus on anything. My head is spinning, and it's making me feel dizzy. I just want everything to stop moving. I want to be still.

I can't stop thinking about it. The memories keep playing over and over in my head, and I can't make it go away. It's like I'm there again. I can see it, hear it, and feel it like it's happening right now. I feel so scared, and I don't know how to make it stop.

I want it to stop. I want Taylor to make it stop. Where did she go?

My stomach hurts really bad. It feels like it's tied up in knots. I feel like I'm going to throw up, but I don't want to. I just want to feel normal again.

I hear voices, but they sound far away. Someone is talking to me, but I can't understand what they're saying. It's like I'm underwater, and everything is muffled. I want to answer, but my mouth won't work right. My tongue feels heavy, and my lips are numb.

I'm crying, and I don't know how to stop. The tears are burning my eyes, and my face is wet, but I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless and small. I just want to hide and make all of this go away.I want to call out for help, but I'm too scared. What if no one comes? What if they can't help me? I feel so alone, even though I know there are people around me. I feel trapped inside my own head, and I can't get out.

Everything is too much. The sounds, the lights, the feelings. It's all too much, and I can't handle it. I want to disappear. I want to be invisible. I just want this to end. I just want to feel safe again.Suddenly, I feel warm hands gently touch my shoulders. I flinch, but then I hear her voice. Taylor's voice. It's soft and calm, and it cuts through the noise in my head like a warm beam of light.

"Hey, little survivor, it's okay. I'm here," she says, her voice steady and soothing. "You're safe. Just breathe with me, okay? Copy my breathing, in and out, slow and steady, feel my heartbeat, you can do it, I know you can do it," her voice comes through over the buzzing in my ears, as my head is moved slightly until I keep feel a chest rising, hear a steady thump right by my ear.

I try to focus on her voice. It's hard, but I want to. I want to feel better. I try to match my breathing to hers. In and out, slow and steady. It's hard at first, but Taylor keeps talking to me, her voice cutting through the chaos in my head.

"That's it, just like that," she encourages. "You're doing so great. Keep breathing with me. That's it, buddy. You are such a good girl. Such a super start. My perfect baby," she encourages, her fingers weaving through my hair as she holds me tight, feeling coming back to my body as I register her soft touches against my skin.

"Focus on my voice, buddy," Taylor says softly. "You're safe here. Nothing can hurt you. I've got you," she promises, her voice fading out into a hum as she starts to hum a tune. My tune. My song. I'm safe and sound. I'll be alright. Taylor is here. Corey is gone. I'm safe. No one can hurt me now. Not while Taylor is here. She will keep me safe. I know it.

Her words are like a lifeline, pulling me out of the dark, scary place I'm in. I hold on to her, burying my face in her shoulder. She rocks me gently, her hands rubbing soothing circles on my back.

"It's okay to feel scared. We all feel scared sometimes. I get scared, too," she whispers. "But remember, you're not alone. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'll protect you forever and ever. It's just you and me. You're safe here, buddy. You are safe and loved, so loved, and no one is going to hurt you, and no one is ever going to take you away from me again. It's me and you, little survivor, me and you," she promises, pausing her hums to talk before continuing.Her words sink in, and the shaking in my hands starts to slow. The world around me begins to come back into focus, and I can hear her voice clearly now. It's filled with love and care, and it makes me feel safe.

"Can you feel my heartbeat?" Taylor asks. I nod against her shoulder. "Good. Just keep focusing on that. You're doing so well, buddy. I'm so proud of you. So, so, so proud of you," she keeps encouraging me.

The dizziness starts to fade, and I feel a little more grounded. The tears are still there, but they're slowing down too. Taylor keeps talking, her voice a constant source of comfort.

"Whenever you feel scared, just remember that I'm here," she says. "You can always come to me, and I'll help you through it. You're not alone, little survivor. You'll never be alone. Not as long as I am around, and I promise, I will be around forever," she adds, her hand never stopping. It gently touches against my back as she speaks. Her chest vibrates against my head with every word, reminding me that she is right here. She is with me. I am safe. I'm not alone.

I cling to her words, feeling the warmth and safety of her embrace. The panic is still there, but it's smaller now, overshadowed by the love and reassurance in Taylor's voice. I know it will take time, but I believe her right now. I think that I'm safe and that I'll always have her to hold on to.As the panic fades, I take a deep, shaky breath and let it out slowly. Taylor's arms are still around me, holding me close. 

"Thank you," I whisper, my voice weak but grateful. "You don't have to thank me, buddy," she replies softly. "I'm always here for you, little survivor. Always," she promises again.

"Can we stay like this for a while?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper as it came out around my cries. "As long as you want, buddy," she replied, her voice soothing. "We'll stay right here, and when you're ready, we'll do something fun. But for now, we can just be," she tells me, her voice soft and loving as I allow myself to sink into her completely.

I closed my eyes, focusing on the sound of her heartbeat and her soft humming. The fear was still there, but it was smaller now, overshadowed by Taylor's love and reassurance. Maybe one day, I would feel safe and happy all the time. But for now, this was enough. Taylor was enough.

As I drifted off to sleep in her arms, I knew that no matter how many bad dreams I had, I could always wake up to her voice, her love, and the promise that I would always be safe and sound with her.