A Nice Guy

16

I've learned that my number is still blocked. Okay, no big deal, I'll give her some time to remember to unblock it on her own. There's no need to text her, anyways. We're friends, we'll catch up next time I see her. It's fine, everything's fine.

March 20th. I bump into her while she's out shopping. Well, after I followed her there. I couldn't wait to see her again, and I couldn't use Derrick anymore to go over to her house. That would break what little trust she has in me. So I followed her to the mall, I had some shopping I needed to get done anyways. What's the big deal? It's a small town.

I spot her entering a clothing store that mainly sells maternity wear. I smile, thinking of our baby. I wait outside the store, and once I see that she's checked out, I act as if I'm walking by, perfect timing for us to bump into each other. "Shit, sorry," I exclaim, picking up her sunglasses that fell out of her hair. "Oh, hey Hazel." I pretend to act surprised to see her.

She smiles, showing off her perfect teeth. That's how I know she's genuinely happy, when she smiles like that. It's rare to see, and my heart pounds in my chest. "Hey Alex! How are you?"

Fuck. How am I. I fucking miss you, I think about you constantly. I'm desperately in love with you, but you're married, and you're pregnant with my child, but you're married. "I'm good, I'm good," I reply, trying to sound convincing. "Here, I'll carry your bags for you, you don't need be lugging them around." I extend my hand, offering it for her bags. She smiles, gives me a thankful look, and hands them over.

We walk around, catching up. I can't help but be thankful for every moment that passes, and dread each moment at the same time. I wish we could always be like this. So I tell her that. "What do you mean?" She asks.

"Well, I mean we just don't see each other very often anymore. But if that's what you want, I respect it and totally understand. Entirely. But...I just miss you." We're at the mall's exit now. She stops, looks up at me. We stare into each other's eyes for a few seconds before we start walking out of the building.

We walk to her car. I put her bags in the trunk for her. She tells me to sit inside with her for a minute; she wants to talk. Oh, no. Another talk. Did I mess up again? Does she know I followed her here? I almost come up with an excuse to leave, but I suck it up.

I'm sitting in the passenger seat a second later. I'm sweating. It's a cold, nervous sweat. She gently grabs my arm, focusing my attention on her, as if that could ever be a difficult task. "I need to tell you something, because if I don't, I feel like I might go crazy." She sounds confident; it's unusual of her. It's making me even more nervous. "I think I have feelings for you, Alex. Even after everything that's happened, I still find myself thinking of you. It's confusing, and it's the reason I haven't unblocked your number."

Why do I feel like this is a test. I should be happy, right? She has feelings for me, cool. But why can't I stop sweating, and why does my heart keep beating so hard in my chest? I know why. It's because I know I can't do anything about it. Because if I do, it's wrong, but if she does, it's right.

So I don't say anything. I stop looking at her, I'm too fucking scared. What does she want from me? To confess the same feelings? The feelings she's well aware of by now? Well, maybe she's not. Fuck it. If we're being honest...

"I think I'm in love with you." I don't look at her after I say it. I don't want to see her reaction. It could be disgust for all I know, but I don't need to know. I don't want to know.