A Nice Guy

39

The hospital room has a cold yet peaceful atmosphere. In the hospital bed, Hazel is cradling our newborn baby in her arms. Her face shows a mixture of exhaustion and pure love as she gazes down at Bonnie.

I stand awkwardly beside her, my face a mask of fear and uncertainty as I look at the baby. She's wrapped in a soft blanket. She stirs slightly, and I  instinctively take a step back.

Everything happened so fast; her water breaking, the trip to the hospital, her giving birth. It seems like it happened in a blink of an eye, and I feel like I haven't had a chance to process any of it. I can only stare at the infant in shock and disbelief. I wish I felt some sort of happiness—something positive—what the fuck is wrong with me?

I've spent weeks blissfully talking about the birth of our daughter, but at the moment all I can think about is how I have the urge to jump off a fucking bridge.

I thought this is what I wanted. I thought I wanted a family with Hazel, so that we could be happy together. But what I quickly realize while staring down at Bonnie is that I just wanted to trap Hazel. I question if I genuinely ever wanted a kid, or if I'd just convinced myself that I wanted a kid to make Hazel happy.

I rip my gaze from Bonnie, looking to Hazel instead. She's still gazing down, appreciating our new born unlike myself. I feel my heart drum in my chest as I search her face, hoping to feel something while I do. I'm hoping I feel that soul crushing obsession for her still, hoping it'll make itself known once she looks up at me, returning my stare.

My breath hitches as we lock eyes. There it is; that familiar feeling of overwhelming infatuation. I exhale in relief. How silly of me to think it would ever go away. This is Hazel after all. I don't think I could ever lose feelings for her.

I just have to learn how to love Bonnie. I'm sure all dads go through this phase, especially when the pregnancy wasn't planned. This is probably a super common reaction, I'm just overthinking it. I need to get out of my head and comfort Hazel, and then hold Bonnie. Fuck. I can't even move, I'm still just standing beside them, frozen in shock.

Hazel looks at me with a hint of concern, watching as I silently panic next to her. "Do you want to hold her?" She asks. Her voice is tender and sweet, but cautious at the same time. It just makes me feel worse.

I nod my head yes, even when I desperately want to say no—god no. She summons me closer with a nod of her head and I force myself to move. Moments later, Bonnie's in my arms. I stare at her, watching her tiny fingers curl into fists. I look at Hazel again, she's crying.

Silent tears fall down her cheeks as she watches me hold Bonnie. "Hazel?" I clear my throat. "What's wrong?"

She doesn't say anything, just ignores me. She continues watching from the bed, soon asking me to return Bonnie to her, which I happily do. I then tell her I need to take a piss, hastily exiting the room and the hospital all together. I stand outside the entrance, lighting up a cigarette.

I take a long drag, staring up at the night sky. This is what I wanted. Hazel's part of my life now, and always will be. I have this weird, anxious feeling in my chest, though. Like this is all wrong. I take another drag, and then another. I stomp out the bud, then light a new one.

I hear someone walk up the sidewalk, stopping once they're standing next to me. "You don't look too good, buddy."

I glance over, then draw out a long, tired sigh, shutting my eyes. "Just needed some air."

"Let me get one of those," he says.

I keep my eyes shut for another second or two, wondering why he's even at the hospital. Wondering if he's here to see Hazel, or worse, me. I give him a cigarette though, and he lights it up, exhaling the smoke in my direction.

He roughly grabs my shoulder, shaking it with enthusiasm. "You should be happy, Alex! You're a dad now, that's a great thing," he laughs. "I'd kill to be a dad. Almost was one, you know?" He laughs loudly, shaking my shoulder some more.

I take another drag, exhaling the smoke through my nose. I stare at the side walk ahead of us, refraining from giving him a reaction.

"Relax, will you? I'm just joking. We're still friends, aren't we?" He asks, nudging me.

I glance over at him. He's looking back at me, waiting for my answer, but I don't know what the right answer is. I bite my cheek, looking away. "No, Derrick. Not really."

He laughs hysterically, slapping my upper back. "You're damn right, you sorry fuck." He takes one last puff of his cigarette, then darts it at my shoe. "But hey, at least you're happy, right?" I watch the half smoked cigarette slowly roll along the pavement.

Yeah, at least I'm happy.

As he turns on his heel to walk into the hospital, I crush my own cigarette in my hand, letting the ember burn into my skin. I don't even let myself wonder why he'd be visiting Hazel after she'd just given birth.

I pull my phone from my pocket, checking the time. It's two in the morning. Without thinking, I unblock Anna's number and write out a quick apology, only to immediately delete it. Instead, I look at the paragraph she'd sent me weeks ago, finally deciding to read it.

"Alex, it's obvious to me now that you've been using me, and that realization has opened my eyes to how stupid and desperate I was to take you back.

You used me to gain the attention of the very woman you told me not to worry about. You lied to me, gaslighting me into thinking I was crazy for being so paranoid about her this entire time, but I was right all along.

Not only did you use me, you sexually assaulted me on your birthday like it was your god given right. I want you to know that I think you're clinically insane, and you're lucky I won't be going to the police for the assault, or for leaving me in Derricks back yard all by myself after I'd passed out.

You're probably the worst person I know. I hope your relationship with Hazel was worth all of the fucked up things you've done to obtain it. I hope you end up happy, because obviously your happiness is more important than anyone else's, but if you don't, then thank fucking God."

I read the message twice before deleting the thread and shoving my phone away. Her words don't sink in—they don't really have an effect on me. I think about the fact that she'd called me clinically insane, staring ahead in silence, but I don't care about what she thinks I am. It worries me that I don't.

I take one last breath of fresh air before turning back towards the hospital. As I walk towards Hazel's room, I pass Derrick walking the opposite direction. He's grinning at me—it's forced, of course. His eyes are black with hatred. "She's a beaut'," he says. "Looks just like her daddy."

I look away from him, continuing the walk to Hazel's room. I reach the room, but freeze just outside the doorway, hearing her heartbreaking sobs slip into the hospital's hallway. My breath catches in my throat, and my muscles lock me in place, preventing me from moving an inch. The sound drags me back to a memory I'd desperately tried to bury.