Unknown Beginning

Part 45

Coming to her senses, Riley raced hurriedly after James and called out "James! James! Wait!"

James paused with one hand on the door and fought to suppress a smile as Riley accidentally bumped into someone in her haste to catch James, frantically apologized, then continued jogging to James with her backpack bouncing comically. James moved to hold the door open for Riley, indicating she should head outside, and then followed behind.

Once Riley collected herself she turned to James and said "I'm sorry."

James nodded but didn't reply so Riley continued "I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. It wasn't because I didn't want to, I swear. I wanted to see you. Or at least text you but I felt awkward so I took the easy way out and just didn't say anything and that wasn't right. If I could go back I would text you to find out where you were so we could say goodbye in person. I won't make that mistake again, I promise."

James nodded again but this time added "And I'm sorry I iced you out. I was upset and hurt but it was immature for me to react that way and I should have handled it differently."

"You were rightfully upset and I totally understand". A prolonged pause filled the air as Riley deliberated on how to approach the situation with Sana.

Yet before Riley could fill the silence, James began "So the girl in the pictures..."

"Sana" Riley answered automatically. "She's a girl I grew up with and we had a...I dunno...an on-and-off 'thing' for years."

"And are you a 'thing' now?"

"No. We both just happened to be at that New Year's party and we kind of just fell into old ways." Riley paused, unsure how much to say but wanting to be honest. "We did kiss a bit and seeing her brought up old feelings but I'm not planning to pursue anything with her."

James didn't reply at first so they walked in silence for a while before she questioned "So you aren't dating her but you do have feelings for her?"

Since Riley wasn't sure of her own feelings she certainly didn't know the right words to express them to James and tried "It's not... I don't..." frustrated, she shook her head. "I have feelings for her but they aren't new. It's just old feelings that are only coming back up because I saw her again for the first time in a while."

James walked on without a word, contemplating Riley's response. "But there are feelings. Feelings that came back pretty easily after not seeing her for more than a year. Feelings that you've had for years before."

Riley didn't like where this was going. "I guess, but it's not like I'm going to see her again so the feelings will go away and things will go back to how they were before."

"It doesn't sound like the feelings ever went away, Riley."

"They did! I swear!"

James shook her head "Just because you want that to be true doesn't mean it is. It sounds like you are still hung up on her if seeing her for one night brought everything up again."

"James, it's not like that. I-" but Riley couldn't sort through her thoughts and feelings to articulate them to James and ended up opening and closing her mouth three times with each attempt she made. Ultimately she ended up gritting her teeth as her hands came up in frustration as if to shake her own head in the hopes of bringing clarity or forcing punishment for her ineptitude.

All the while James watched this internal struggle and ended up holding her hand up indicating Riley should stop her attempts. "Hey, don't stress. I just think we should put whatever our thing is on pause until you figure your feelings out."

"I don't want that."

A sad half-smile pulled James cheek as she replied "I'm not sure you know what you want."

"James-"

"But I'll be around when you figure it out."

Riley wanted to argue. Change James' mind. Make her understand. Except Riley knew there was some truth to James' words and couldn't formulate an excuse to make her stay. Which meant Riley was left standing alone in the cold, the winter chill not even touching the ice she felt in her bones.