Unknown Beginning

Part 61

As expected, Tyler did not respond well to the suggestion to give Kenny some space over the weekend. In response, he had sworn, tried to guilt, pleaded, and flat out refused via text and voicemail. Luckily, Riley never left Kenny's side Friday night or Saturday and was able to reassure Kenny that she made the right choice and help her navigate responding or ignoring his many attempts to change her mind.

In that time Riley gained even more insight into Kenny's concerning relationship. Kenny had tearily tried to explain all the reasons she should stay with Tyler, all the ways he had made her feel special and loved. How not even a couple months into their relationship, he had talked of wanting to marry her. How he already knew what song he would choose for their first dance at their wedding. How he planned to record himself singing and playing the song they would dance to. He said he could picture how beautiful she would be on their wedding day. How he couldn't wait to marry her.

He spoke dreamily of how he hoped they would have a daughter just like Kenny someday. How she would have Kenny's beautiful eyes and the adoration he would feel for his imagined future daughter.

Riley learned that he had written Kenny a heartfelt song full of love and wanting to take away Kenny's pain. That he had recorded this song for her so she could listen to it whenever she wanted. Kenny also mentioned how he would gladly let her sing along with him in the beginning. How happy she felt sharing that with him. Though she admitted that as their relationship had gone on, he had been less open to this. Had made snide remarks about her singing and even told her she was tone deaf. Or how hurt she felt when she found out he started playing and singing with other girls instead. How he had even asked one girl to sing with him on a song that Kenny considered to be special to them and their relationship. Yet even as she detailed this to Riley, she justified Tyler's action by explaining that she really wasn't a good singer. That she only had ever done it for fun and because it made her happy but she didn't want to sing anymore so it made sense for him to sing with someone who sounded better. Riley had worked very hard to hide her heartbreak hearing Kenny say all this. And to control her fury at Tyler for taking away something that made Kenny happy. For making Kenny feel this way and believe it.

Riley also discovered that Tyler had deep lows. That his demons brought out the worst of Kenny's own demons. That she felt both free yet unstable with him as they fed each other's darkness. And that Kenny felt responsible for Tyler's life. That he had told her of his plans to kill himself. How he had intended to do it on his birthday but Kenny had changed those plans. Gave him a reason to stick around. Brought meaning to his life. How he had detailed the hopelessness and pointlessness of life without her. She worried what he'd do if she broke up with him and didn't have her in his life. He had even gone as far as to carve Kenny's initials into his chest, over his heart, with a razor to show her how much she meant to him.

But the longer she was with him, the more her uncertainty grew. Kenny explained scenario after scenario where, despite Kenny's hurt from his actions or words or lack of, he was the victim. How things always got turned around until it was her fault. For interpreting something incorrectly. For wanting too much. For not being grateful. As she recounted the details for Riley, Kenny seemed uncertain of how things always ended that way but was convinced she must be at fault after all when Tyler explained his side of things.

At one point Kenny brought up the time Tyler read her journal with an almost confused tone. Riley thought maybe Kenny had realized how deeply wrong Tyler was to read it but instead Kenny spoke of the other things Tyler must have read in there. Kenny mentioned briefly how she had written about being depressed. How she had been eating less. Exercising more. Losing weight. Had considered that things would be easier if her life ended. That she had written again and again how she felt hopeless and lost. That things would never feel better. How out of control she felt. That she felt she was screaming and yet no one could hear her. Drowning without anyone to see or help. Silently suffering without an end in sight. She spoke so quietly, never looking up from her hands twisting in her lap, that Riley had to lean closer to ensure she could hear every word. And Kenny left no space for Riley to respond. Avoided Riley's outstretched hand until Riley let it fall beside her. Kenny stated she didn't want to talk about her feelings or her journal, only that she was confused how Tyler could read those thoughts and instead only focus on the one or two lines about her ex. Did he not care that she was hurting? Did her pain not matter?

Riley could see the hurt in Kenny's eyes as she questioned this but instead Kenny continued on to recall the highs and lows of her relationship. How the highs had gradually lessened. Diminished as the lows deepened. Deepened until neutrality felt like a high. And anything higher felt like a gift. A gift that she should be grateful for but not expect.