Unknown Beginning

Part 55

The only silver lining to their loss the next day was that it meant the team could actually go home for spring break. Which left Riley even more conflicted because although she would now get to see Ben and her parents, leaving meant she wouldn't see James for the entire week.

James had plans to spend the week with her sister, which Riley knew would make James very happy, so she reminded herself that if James was happy, she was happy. And Riley had kept her promise and made sure she said goodbye before leaving campus this time although they hadn't had a chance to talk about the previous night in the locker room. Not that Riley even knew what to say anyways. She felt like James understood though. That she didn't need to explain how she felt or what that shared vulnerability meant to her. It was enough that they had experienced it. Enough that they were together for that moment. Even if their time together never felt long enough.

For her part, Riley was headed home to spend a few days with her parents and then would go to Ben's school for the rest of the week. His spring break was the following week, thus to maximize time together, they planned for Riley to stay in his dorm Wednesday through Friday. They would then both go home to their parents house for the weekend until Ben drove Riley back Sunday night and stayed until Tuesday.

As expected Riley had filled Ben in on everything going on with Kenny and Tyler and her concerns about them. But she had been hesitant to talk about James until this point so the next several days were spent with Riley reluctantly answering Ben's questions. Which of course meant he was even more excited to be at Riley's school when they arrived late Sunday night. Unfortunately for him, as Riley expected, neither Kenny nor Tyler made an appearance that night or Monday. And when Ben tried to convince Riley to introduce him to James, she refused

"It's too soon, Ben. It would be weird. We're not even official yet." she had explained. To which Ben had rolled his eyes and sighed loudly.

Riley couldn't explain her reluctance. Normally there were no secrets between Riley and Ben. Nothing they didn't share. There shouldn't be any reason that would prevent Riley from sharing every detail of her relationship from the beginning. No reasons for her to prevent Ben and James meeting. No reason except maybe fear. Fear that to talk about James as if she could be permanent, would be to jinx them. As if by admitting James as a constant in her life, and admitting just how deep her feelings were, that she would lose James. She hadn't ever let herself feel so attached to someone like this before. And if she was being honest with herself, Riley knew she had a history of keeping a protective shell around her innermost self. The only person she'd ever let in was Ben and frankly, he had let himself in. Or rather, he got in before the armor came up since she'd never known life without him. Other than with Ben, she didn't expose that part of herself. And truthfully she was a little apprehensive of how far she'd let James in. How vulnerable she felt with James. Yet a small voice in her head reminded her that despite the vulnerability, she also felt safe. And it was the safety she didn't want to lose. Tragic fear of being known wholly by someone who could leave her. Overwhelming desire to be safe and protected. And foolishly, Riley fought to preserve the tenuous balance they hung in. The constant dichotomy of wanting to continue to hide away with James forever, safe in their secrecy, while simultaneously wanting to live freely, without concealment or repercussion.

In the end, Riley's anxiety won out and she kept Ben from meeting James. Thus, rather than getting any first-hand encounters like he had hoped, Ben only met Riley's roommates, Steph and The Other Kelsey, the latter of which seemed a little too interested in Ben for Riley's liking. He also met Russ and deemed him a good guy but boring because he didn't have any drama surrounding him which resulted in a swift playful slap to the arm from Riley. It was only as Ben was leaving Tuesday night that he saw Kenny briefly when she finally returned to the dorm. Kenny gave the perfunctory excuse that she had been busy with classes and Tyler which prompted Ben to subtly shoot Riley a knowing look which she returned solemnly.

After their farewells (Ben had accepted that Riley would introduce James when she was ready, despite his curiosity), Riley was now left to a week of classes that somehow felt empty without hockey practices or games now that the season had ended. Riley felt a glimmer of hope, that she recognized was slightly tainted by trepidation, that the end of the season would mean freedom for her and James. Now it all came down to intrepidity and timing.