It's Okay To Not Be Okay

Chapter 8

He reached the hotel where they would be staying for a week and he can already feel his heart doing blackflips. Even after purposely delaying his flight for one day, giving some stupid reason, he still didn't feel ready and he doesn't feel like he will ever be ready.

For five long months, he had watched waited for his chance where his mind always kept telling him he is over now, his cricketing career is over now, until oneday he suddenly received the news that he is the squad for the next game and after days of pure darkness he saw the small flicker of hope, maybe he still have a chance? But at the same time his mind kept reminding him that he would be back with the team, the team he betrayed.

He almost shrieked jumping back when he suddenly felt someone covering his eyes with hands, "Heyyyyy~" he heard a very familiar voice after a long time.

"Vi?" he guessed, even thou he was sure that it was him and soon he engulfed in a tight hugby him, he smiled returning the hug with same enthusiasm.

"Hey we also waited for him!" he heard another voice from behind and he didn't had to turn back to know the owner, he knew it was Rohit. "So what I saw him first" virat smirked his hand on jaddu's shoulder, he couldn't help but chuckle, he missed this duo so much.

"Whatever now move away" he said pushing him aside and soon he was tackled into a hug by a bunch of people, a bunch of people but still a person was missing and he didn't know what to feel about it, shouldn't it supposed to make him happy that he can avoid him for more time? Or be sad that he is still mad at him? But he doesn't have the right to be sad either, infact he was mad at himself too.

He was bombarded with lots of questions, about him, his family, everything, he tried to reply to everything but he was feeling tierd not physically but mentally. The brightness after the long dark nights was to much, he wanted to go back to his world, where there is only darkness because he had lost himself there and now it feels like his only home.

After a long session of team bonding, where his smile was the same, his banter with the boys was as lively as ever, but beneath the surface his inner voice was crushing his heart, reminding him of what he did to them. Soon virat started ushering everyone back to their room as they had an early morning training tomorrow and he gave him his room keys and he had never felt so relieved when he heard everyone is allotted with a private room to themselves.

He went to his room and locked the door throwing his bag on the ground before slumping on the bed, finally letting his facade slip. He grabbed the pillow muffling his voice as he cried, he wanted to run away, he wanted to coward and weak but he can't, he couldn't do that even if being strong was slowly killing him from inside he had to be strong, that's what his father always told him- crying is for weak's and he is not weak.

The nights were always the hardest for him, sleep seems to be nowhere near him and when it did come, it was filled with restless dreams. Dreams where he was always a step behind, watching his every mistake in slow motion. He wanted to scream at himself, stop himself but he couldn't, all he could do was stand there and watch himself and wake up in a cold sweat, the reality of his situation hitting him harder each day.

The next morning he woke up with barely any sleep at night. He looked for his sleeping pills but couldn't find them, maybe he forgot them back at home he just hoped that reeva wouldn't find them because he wouldn't be able to answer and what if she thinks he is weak? It's so stupid to be scared of nightmares that you had to take sleeping pills.

He was planning to skip breakfast with the team but they have practice and he didn't ate anything since he left home if he didn't ate now he was sure he will passout during practice, it will just increase their stress so he decided to get his pathetic self together and went down for breakfast.

He saw Rohit and virat sitting on the table having breakfast, well the breakfast was long forgotten they were busy in bickering and he knew it must be Rohit complaining about why he woke him up so early, there is still half an hour for the team to arrive, but knowing virat he very punctual about his meals amd annoying Rohit.

"Hey Jaddu, you alright?" Virat asked as soon as he saw him joining, he looked at him kind of taken aback, je had tried to hide the dark circles with make up and now it seems like it didn't work. "Yeah, yeah, all good, Vi. Just tired," Jaddu replied with a forced smile, hoping to end the conversation then and there.

"You should take some rest today" Rohit said the same concerning look in his eyes and it made him squirm in his seat, he avoided his eyes trying to look non chanting and concentrate on his bowl of salad.

"But we have a match in two days" he said, he looked up to see both of them giving a look to each other which he couldn't put into words but it didn't feel right to him for some reason. "Actually..." Rohit started but didn't continue, he was looking at virat like urging him to continue and for some reason it was scaring him, he could feel like his heart was about to jump out of his chest. "Um... You're not in the playing eleven, I swear I tried but these selectors are really being a asshole-" virat tried to reason out right away "It's okay vi I know you must have tried and it's okay I am alright" he reassured cutting him off, even though it was paining his physically he didn't want him to be guilt, he knew his friend he must have definitely gotten into a fully blowen argument for him, and he knew it must be him who pressed the selectors to get him back into the team. It would be so wrong of him to let him feel guilty when he had done so much for him.

You know what's the fun part of sitting with them? They don't really look around, that gave him a chance to just sit there nibbling on his food and talk and laugh with them.

"I will just rest today" he said before getting up, he ended up lying about getting an urgent call to get back to his room heaving a sigh of relief when non of them realized he didn't actually ate anything, well he was actually planning to finish his food today but knowing he was going to get bhenched most probably the whole series he lost his appetite.

A/N-

Guess who forgot his own storyline?
Yup that's me :') had to go back and read back everything still didn't really got that rhythm T~T