It's Okay To Not Be Okay

Chapter 9

Even after getting selected he was being benched, he didn't got a chance to play a single match in the series and even thou he tried his best to pretend he was fine but he knew he wasn't really doing it really good, but no said anything yet so maybe he just needed to improve his act a bit and the doubtful eyes will vanish too.

He started having every meal with them even though he threw up most of them but atleast he was eating in front of them.

He spent time with them, tried to be enthusiastic like he used to and at the same time he kept that in his mind to not overdo anything it might wary them and by the end of the day he tierd both physically and mentally.

He looked at his body which doesn't look as good as it used to, it was a sign of body image issues and don't want anymore issues now, he got enough. Sp he did what he is getting best at, ignore.

Isn't he ignoring too many thing? Forgetting too many things? But there's one thing he can never forget and that's social media, he can now some supports too but the amount is so less that it almost disappears between the hate and for the hater the new trending topic had became- 'him being benched', some seems to be too happy about that and some wants him to replaced, as there should not be any place for greedy like him.

Top of that ignoring hardik has been kind of easiest and hardest for him, being all rounder both of them usually got the same session but as hardik was ignoring him too he didn't have to do much, he just tried his best to maintain his distance and to not to annoy him. He wanted to apologize but didn't know how he was too ashamed or maybe even scared but he would never accept that to anyone.

The only good thing that happened was he was able to grab his meds after the first test as they had a long break so all of them decided to go back home and this time he didn't forget to pack his meds, feeling glad when reeva didn't seem to find it while he was away.

He kept wondering what's worse, not getting selected in the team? or being benched? because both felt equally awful at their place. The worst thing about getting benched is he had to sit there and watch the whole match with everyone, in the stadium and somehow it just made him feel worst. Sitting in the ground but out of the boundary and not being able to play was somehow torturing him mentally.

It was end was their second match in the series, and they won and the hotel seems to be quite okay, atleast better then what it felt after the loss of first match, he almost felt like jumping off his window because it was that suffocating.

He was starleted when he heard the creak of door, he turned back to see virat coming up with a tray carrying three cups of coffee and some snacks. He looked at him a little confused "Ro" he replied to his unasked question about the third cup. Coffee on the terrace has always been there, long time ago though.

He sat beside him setting the cup behind them, maybe there going to wait for Rohit to join. There was a momentary silence before virat decided to break it, "How are you? and don't you dare to lie" he warned but still his voice held the warmth, urging him to speak up, to open up but the voice in his mind kept mocking him.

'Don't be a burden.'

'Just lie, like you always do.'

"I am okay vi, really" he lied and alleviated when he realized he was buying it and mentally praised himself for getting better in pretending. If he can fool virat then he can fool anyone, at least that's what he thought because virat, Rohit and mahi bhai knew him like back if their hands.

"Why didn't you answered our calls?" and here it is, the most dreading question, what is he supposed to say now? he had the urge to say 'you or anyone of you could have just showed up at my place if you really wanted to check on me' but he knew he doesn't have that right anymore, they all suffered too and HE was the only reason.

Even though he was hurt he didn't feel it right to go to any of them because he saw and read everything, how people were tarnishing their image, he didn't want to add more to their plate.

Maybe he still does have the same rights on them, he can ask for help even now but the negative side of his thoughts are getting better on him, in the end as usual the negative side won. "I am really sorry about that... actually.. I just wanted to avoid using my phone" another blatant lie, he knew, he had a feeling that if he continued this way it won't end in a good way, but who cares? Definitely not him.

"That's great" virat spoke softly and again there was momentary silence,

"We are more like a family jaddu, if you have any problem we are here" virat said patting his back gently "I know these past few months have been really hard on you" he continued and that almost made him tear up, somehow managing to gather himself last minute.

'That's all you can do, be an emotional fool.'

'Failure.'

How bad he wish to push this voices physically away, "Hello idiotsss" suddenly Rohit entered saving him from the awkward situation he was about to face because he didn't knew what was he supposed to reply to virat.

"I thought you would forget" virat chaffed earning a glare and a smack, "Move" he scoffed making his way to sit between him and virat. If mahi bhai would have been here he would have dragged them inside by their ears while scolding then for being so reckless while legit sitting on the railing but alas he wasn't here but he knew they won't fall, years of practice they have.

"I just talked with bhai and before you start whining let me clear you Harry called zivu because he was missing him and bhai happened to be with her" Rohit rushed with the second not seems to be in the mood to handle whinny cheeks.
"Still it's mean-" and here it is,
"Shut up" Rohit cut him off.

"You shut-" he can see the argument that's about to happen so he decided to intervene "What did bhai said?" He asked cutting their about to happen argument off "Nothing much but he will join us for odi series" Rohit said and for a reason he didn't felt that excited but a little scared? Maybe because he was scared that mahi bhai will know right away something is wrong with him, but his acts are getting better, so maybe he won't?

Rohit handed him his coffee while letting out a small okay suddenly feeling disturbed.

"Rohit Sharma enough of biscuits for you, I bought it for him" virat's loud voice bought him out of his thoughts and he realised he zoned out again, feeling glad that none of them noticed. "But they're tasty" Rohit replied still munching on them "You-" he tried to snatch the packet away "You won't mind jad, right?" Rohit turned to him making him confused for second, he quickly replayed their conversation before it struck him.

"No" he said and heard an annoyed growl from the other side, "Lazy panda" he snarled while Rohit stuck out his tongue "Just fuck off" he countered back to virat while offering the biscuits to him and he must agree they are tasty.

"Well jaddu" Rohit said suddenly starleting him, "Did you- I mean did you had any similar incidents again like you had in that bus?" Rohit asked caution and for some reason he felt like it was mahi bhai who asked him not rohit, maybe on the call he told him to ask that?

"Please don't remind me that again that was hell embarrassing also nope I didn't felt like that again it might have happened due to stress maybe" he tried so sound as normal and cheerful he can be and make a joke out of it, last thing he would want right now is worrying them and the don't have to know that he go throu that almost every day.

"By the way did you saw niddhi new pics?" He asked changing the topic, he felt bad for using her name but he knew that's the quickest way to distract them because of their baby obsession.

Soon their topic changes from one to another till they feel like it was actually too late and they should probably head downstairs.

They bid each other good night before heading towards their door. He locked the door as soon as he was back into his cage and slumped against the nearest wall, even though the walk to the bed felt too long.

The world is being too tiring to even breathe.

A/N-

I really need some ideas for the next chapter, so please let me know if you want to read something particular XD