Until these wounds heal

6. Disappoint you

At night when the sun sets,
And my sadness walks in,
I again find myself drawn to the temptation to sin,
I never believed it to be one,
Until your eyes locked mine, dead, serious,
You seemed so concerned at what I had done,
Your pitiful eyes lingered on mine,
Pleading me not to do it again,
I saw the desperation and hope you had for me,
Im sorry, I never meant for you to see,
No one knows the truth except for you,
My mum who you told hasn't said anything,
She doesn't even care I think,
So I let my thoughts and that pain sink,
Yet every time I want to reach for the same feeling,
Knowing it will give me that relief,
I am torn by my desire to breathe,
And your voice "don't do this again" you seethe,
And although you weren't angry at me,
I knew you were dissatisfied,
And the next time you saw me I had sinned a little more,
Your look to me was more disheartened than before,
I am now filled with more guilt and shame,
When tempted to do this silly little sin,
Yet now my mind and heart are fighting for power,
How hard it is to not let my thoughts devour,
My mind begs, screeches, screams at me to just mercifully sin,
Convincing me to let go of all emotion,
For just a few minutes whilst a new pain takes the bearing,
Of all my thoughts and feelings yet is my skin really worth sparing,
And my heart asks quietly,
In a calm, clear, sane voice,
"Don't do this again" with the image of your discouraged face with eyes full of hope,
"You shouldn't use this mechanism to cope",
Yet the loudest voices don't always win,
Sometimes the quietest ones hold the most power,
Because the guilt and shame that I feel when I sin against your pleading,
Means that I now still feel when bleeding,
And occasionally when the sun sets,
And the sky is stained a dark blue,
I find myself following my heart,
Because I just can't bear to disappoint you.