Thoughts Turning to Ink on Paper

Going Backwards

Feeling useless and not heard

Feeling as if I have no choice in things

Feeling forced to be around family

Even though I've been around them all day or the day before

It's exhaustinig 

I just want time for myself

To do my own things

I've barely had a moments peace

Or space to breathe

I can't do anything without worrying

I worry, worry, worry

Anyone could come in my room

Wanting me to go somewhere with them, 

They would judge me for how I look physically

(whether I'm wearing a cropped shirt or a bikini), 

And I worry that they would constantly, constantly

Judge me for calling and texting my boyfriend everyday

It's exhausting and I worry

I worry so freaking much

Because I do feel judged and insecure

With her commenting on how I look

And I should exercise

All because it's good for my health

I exercise when I'm at college

I walk across the huge campus five times a week

Walking one or more miles a day

Plus I do dance classes twice a week

I come 'home' and want to exercise on my own time

I feel not motivated when she says I should

It just makes me feel worse about myself

And when I used to at 'home', I felt like a spectacle

All because I didn't exercise as much or often like my siblings

It's so demeaning and hurtful

It's always constantly like this with her

I know I'm not skinny but I'm not big either

I may be a size 8 and a medium, yet it's not to her standards

I eat healthy, I exercise, but it's a constant mental battle to workout at 'home'

I'm not perfect and I'm trying to love myself and I was when I'm away from 'home'

Being back here sets all the progress I made mentally back to square one