Thoughts Turning to Ink on Paper

Why Can't My Wants Be Respected?

How can it be everything is getting worse? 

Everything is coming undone

What I did back in May means nothing to them

They thought I was throwing a tantrum

To them

My family

My feelings are invalid

Growing up, 

I used to go with the flow

Do things for others

Never myself

When I want something for myself, 

They don't care

They don't want to hear what I want

It's always about them

About what they want

I have to go with theirs

Because my wants are different

Always outvoted

When I finally made a stand, 

On what I wanted, 

They tried to take is away 

They still are

It's so frustrating I want to cry

Out of anger 

Out of sadness

Out of frustration

Them blaming me for their choices 

When they cancel plans

All because

my boyfriend visits me

I thought July would have been progress

When he visited me at 'home' 

It wasn't

It never was

All they do is lose it 

When I want to visit him

Or when he visits me at school

Especially when I say,

I want him at my graduation

They lose it and want to cancel plans

Ruining it for other family members

I can't even have who I want at my graduation

They're treating it as a family vacation

Not as a celebration of me graduating

Not celebrating my accomplishments

Them celebrating a daughter/sister they can brag about

They are so stuck in their heads, 

They can't see the damage they have done

They want me to choose

I don't 

They are doing it for me

By canceling plans, 

By not being able to be in the same room as my boyfriend, 

By losing it every time I bring him up

I'm tired

I'm done

I can't keep doing this

Letting them verbally abuse me 

They are toxic

So fucking toxic

That I get into depressive episodes because of them

It effects me mentally

It effects my schoolwork

They can't see the error of their ways

They never will

They constantly blame me 

When it's their fault

I know it's not my fault, 

But my mentality sucks

I have to say it over and over again

To make myself truly believe

They have ruined me so horribly, 

That I've already chosen because of their actions

They are the ones to blame not me

It's not my fault

It's not my fault

It's not my fault