The Actress and The Artist

Chapter 26: Can't Let Myself Go

Jane came into Max's hospital room as soon as she could. "Sorry I'm so late, I had court today." She apologised, taking her blazer off before sitting down on the chair she had been sitting at for almost the past month.

She held Max's hand, the doctors told her that her body was healing, and her condition was getting better. If everything continued going well, she wouldn't need the machine in about a week's time.

"I fought for you and we won." She smiled, caressing the back of her hand, "They tried to make me pay for his medical bills and also get prosecuted for assault, but the judge saw through their bullshit. The whole thing was filmed so when you wake up we can watch it if you want. Your leg is getting better, you're gonna have a pretty badass scar when it's all healed over." She laughed. "You were so brave, y'know that? I saw the way you smashed that glass over his head, that would've knocked me out." El joked, her smile fading as Max didn't respond.

She never responded anymore.

She squeezed her hand lightly, "I really need you to wake up Max. The doctors told me you're getting better and I believe them, please prove me right. It... it's really weird being at home without you. To not fall asleep in your arms, or to not hear you singing in the mornings. And uh... t-the boys are coming over soon, they heard what happened. Lucas is actually in Spain right now for his job, which is pretty cool don't you think? They're all coming in a few weeks and I want you to be awake to see them."

Tears welled in her eyes and she tried to keep her voice level. She wanted to be strong for Max, crying so often surely wasn't good for her.

"B-because we haven't seen them in a while. You remember that one painting Will made just for fun? One of the local museums in Hawkins wants to buy it off him for almost 5 grand. He's so excited about it, you should've heard him on the phone when he told me. And Dustin got promoted not that long ago, which was long overdue. Mike's doing well too, he's being put forward to present his new project directly to the CEO, which I'm sure is gonna go amazing. And like I told you before Lucas is in Spain with his local team to play basketball with one of the best local teams over there. It's gonna be on Youtube in a few days, but if you're not awake by then I'll save it for you."

She thought for a moment, wondering what else to fill her in on. "Oh yeah, and you remember Haley, that one girl from college I lied about her inviting me over to her house? Well not lie but you know what I mean, she's actually getting married next summer, which is kinda crazy to think about. Lucas' first anniversary with his girlfriend is also coming up, and Mike's still getting over his breakup. Will's trying to look for a boyfriend and Dustin and Suzie, well I'm not sure what's going on with them. He doesn't talk about it much. Maybe they broke up, but I hope not. They're cute together, you have to admit. No matter what you say." She smiled.

"But that's pretty much it I'd say. You're doing pretty well too, soon you should be able to take that machine off, I imagine it's kinda annoying. A lot of people have been thinking about you in their prayers and are hoping you get better, which you will. Your show is postponed until you're ready to back on set, they also hope you get well soon. Your side is pretty much fully healed, there isn't even that much of a scar. And like I said your leg is doing a lot better now too, I'm sure you'll be able to walk on it."

She thought for a moment. Everyone seemed to be doing good. Everyone except her.

"And uh... I'm doing okay as well." She nodded even though Max couldn't see. "The court thing was good, I'm glad that's all over with. I've been having a few more nightmares but it's nothing I can't deal with," She assured her, tears filling in her eyes as she remembered all the nights she woke up terrified with no one to comfort her, all alone in the empty house. "I've mostly been focusing on making sure everything at home is cleaned up and ready for you to come back to."

She sighed through her nose, really trying not to cry. "I've been doing a lot of random things just so my mind actually has things to do. Work is normal, I haven't had any really good ideas with music recently so I'm kinda worried about that. I uh... I've not been drinking any alcohol for a while because it never really makes me feel any better. And uh, don't worry about any bills or anything, I've got it all covered at home. When you wake up I just want you to relax, okay? Don't stress yourself out too quickly. Christmas was okay, I didn't do much this year."

She actually couldn't even get out of bed this year. Instead of giving Max her presents and going out for a date somewhere like they normally would, she spent the day sobbing until her pillow was soaked and her eyes stung. She didn't call the boys, she didn't invite her friends over, she didn't even call her own dad. She couldn't bear the thought of celebrating anything when her girlfriend wasn't there with her.

"Your presents are still at home for when you get back. Also, New Year's is in 2 days, so if you hear any loud noises it's just the fireworks. I'll come see you then, we'll watch them together. It's crazy our first kiss was almost 4 years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday."

———

Hours passed and she checked the clock on the wall. She was sitting on the chair, her eyes red after crying. She had tried to hold it in but she just couldn't, she had been crying for almost an hour straight, making sure to be quiet so Max wouldn't hear. If she even could hear that is.

The time was now 9 pm, and visiting hours were almost over. She wiped her cheeks, looking back over at her girlfriend. "It's time for me to go Max." She said, sniffling a little. "I'll make sure to be here early for New Year's Eve tomorrow." El stood up, grabbing her blazer from the back of the chair.

She caressed Max's cheek with her thumb, carefully brushing the stray strands of hair out of her face. "Sleep well sweetheart." She whispered, leaning over the bed to kiss her forehead gently.

She then turned around, leaving the room. As soon as the door shut tears entered her eyes again, and she wondered how she even had any tears left in her body.

She didn't know how much longer she could do this. How long she could see Max in that bed and act like everything was okay. How much longer she could lie and tell her she was doing okay. Because she wasn't. She wasn't okay. She was slowly losing her reasons to live and she wasn't sure if she'd ever find them again.