The Actress and The Artist

Chapter 28: Self-Sabotage

She reluctantly opened her eyes, looking down at the knife. It hadn't touched her, how had it not touched her? She tried to stab herself again, but it seemed like a force field was blocking the blade from getting within an inch of her body.

She saw a drop of blood drip onto the knife and felt that goddamn nosebleed again. She clenched her jaw, nothing would stop her, not even herself. She tried to stab her side, her arms, her legs. It wouldn't let her. Her own body wouldn't let her take her life.

Eleven screamed, "Fucking let me!" She shouted, trying to make the blade go through her stomach. Anger shot through her veins. She didn't even have the gun anymore, it had been taken for evidence.

"God, why did you make me like this?!" She asked, throwing the knife to the ground, hearing as the metal hit the ground. "Why are you doing this to me?!" She asked herself, grabbing at her hair.

"Why won't you just let me go?" She wondered, her voice getting quieter as her anger dissipated, being replaced by the same guilt she had felt. She had just tried to kill herself. She tried to find the easy way out while her girlfriend was in the hospital. She was going to leave her to fend for herself straight after waking up from a coma. How could she do that to her?

She looked at the knife again, her hand shaking as she picked it up, putting it in the sink.

El put the towel away and her glass in the sink along with the knife. The empty bottle of alcohol went in the recycling and she found herself in the bathroom, brushing her teeth.

She spat the minty toothpaste out, going into the kitchen before drinking a ton of water to sober herself up a bit.

She then got dressed, leaving the house.

———

Her mind was a mess and she didn't even know where she was going. Before she knew it a door opened, and she saw Billie in front of her, immediately pulling her inside.

"Jesus Jane, where the fuck have you been?" She asked, sitting her down on the sofa. "I've been worried sick, didn't you hear me at the door this morning?"
She shrugged, ashamed as she thought of what she had tried to do not even an hour earlier. She looked up at Billie, her eyes empty. "I must've been asleep." She lied, her voice unrecognisable to even herself.

The older girl sighed, sitting next to her. "I figured. How's Max doing?"
El didn't reply, feeling the guilt hit her chest like a ton of bricks. "I... I don't know." She whispered.
"What? How do you not know?" She asked. "Jane?" She said as she didn't answer.

"I haven't gone to see her, okay?!" She shouted.
"What are you taking about?" Billie furrowed her eyebrows, confused. "You haven't seen her? Why not?"
"Because I can't even get myself to get out of bed anymore Billie! It's a miracle I even made it here!"

Her friend's eyes softened, "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why did you come here?"
She shrugged again, "I just... I need someone to talk to. I talk to Max but she can't answer. She can't answer because of me!"

"Woah woah, calm down." She said, trying to calm the younger girl down. "I already told you, it wasn't your fault. She'd say the same."
"Yeah? How do you know?! Because she hasn't said anything to me! I spent Christmas without her, I spent New Year's without her, my birthday was 3 days ago and I've spent it, without her! I've spent 2 fucking months without her, I can't do it anymore!"

"You can, you can because you're strong. You have to stay strong for her Jane. She's gonna need you more than ever when she wakes up. You can't give up." Billie said, putting her hands on her shoulders. "Listen to me."
"I've already tried." El mumbled, making the other girl's heart drop.
"...what?"
"This morning. I tried to." She admitted, her voice quiet, "I almost left her Bills."
"Jane..." She whispered, "Why are you... how did you...?"

"I was drunk, I was so drunk. I couldn't feel anything, I felt so alone in that house without her. I'm numb without Max. I'm nothing without her. I had a knife in my hand..." Her hands began to shake slightly, "And I was going to put it through my chest. I wanted to."
"But then... how are you here?" Billie asked, her eyes searching her face.
"It wouldn't let me. I wouldn't let myself do it. My mind so badly wanted to but my body couldn't. I was going to leave her Billie, I've let myself go, I promised her I wouldn't." 

A sob left her lips and Billie immediately brought her in for a tight hug, tears welling in her own eyes. She saw herself in Jane, she couldn't watch one of her best friends go through something like this alone. She was going to help her if it took everything she had.

"I need help Billie, I can't leave Max." She cried in her friend's chest.
"I know, I know." Billie said softly, rubbing her back, "I'll get you help. You're gonna be okay, I promise."

Jane sniffled and nodded, glad she came here. She so desperately needed someone to talk to, she needed a hug and to be told everything would be okay. She believed Billie, she had to.

They pulled away after a bit and El wiped her tears away, looking up at her. "What do I do to get better?" She asked quietly, wanting to start straight away.
"I'll book a session in therapy for you. Have you been before?" The girl shook her head, "Okay, so you can try it out and see if it's for you. What's happened has clearly had an impact and talking to a professional is probably a good idea. And about you being drunk, you need to stop drinking, at least in excessive amounts. You're underage, it's gonna have an even worse effect on your mind. You don't wanna get addicted."

Eleven nodded, Max didn't like the stuff anyway. "I can do that." She agreed.
"Good. Now I'd say the last thing is to keep your mind occupied."
"I've been trying to do that. I've cleaned the entire house like 50 times and I can't find anything else worth doing."
"It doesn't need to be worth anything, you just do it so you're not thinking of Max 24/7. It'll only make you feel upset, which is not something you wanna do. Play some games or something, do you have a PlayStation or just any console?

She shook her head, "I used to."
"Get one and get a couple games. The last of us is a good one, and it takes a while to finish too."
"That one apocalypse game? With that one girl everyone is in love with for some reason?"
"Yeah, that's the one." Billie laughed, "Go get it, we'll play together some time. I'll give you some tips. Anyway, while you're here. I made some vegan cookies, wanna try?"
"Sure." Jane nodded, standing up. "Wait, if they're vegan how did you make the dough?"
"Secret." Billie smiled, leading her over to the kitchen.