Batman 1966: The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard Reveals Himself

The scene changes back to the Wizard's throne room.

Wizard of Oz: Can I believe my eye? Why have you come back?

Dick: (Shows him the broomstick) Please, sir. We've done what you've told us. We brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her.

He placed the broomstick by the throne

Wizard of Oz: (Impressed) Ah, you liquidated her, eh? Very resourceful.

Dick: Yes, sir. So we'd like you to keep your promise to us, if you please, sir.

Wizard of Oz: (Arrogantly) Not so fast. Not so fast! I'll have to give the matter a little thought. Go away and come back tomorrow.

Dick: (Shocked) Tomorrow? Holy delay, but I wanna go home now!

Tin Man: (Angrily) You've had plenty of time already!

Cowardly Lioness: (Agreeing with Tin Man) Yeah!

Wizard of Oz: (Furiously) Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz! I said come back tomorrow!

Toto walks over to a booth

Dick: If you were really great and powerful, you'd keep your promises.

Wizard of Oz: Do you presume to criticize the great Oz? (Toto pulls the green curtain revealing an ordinary man who is pulling levers controlling the image.) You ungrateful creatures! Think yourselves lucky that I'm giving you audience tomorrow instead of 20 years from now! (Looks over his shoulder) Oh! (Speaking into microphone) The great Oz has spoken! Oh! (Closes the curtain and speaks into the microphone) Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! (Dick walks up and pulls the curtain) The great and... Oz has spoken!

Dick: Who are you?

Wizard of Oz: (Speaking into microphone) I am the great and powerful... (Normal voice) Wizard of Oz.

Dick: You are? I don't believe you.

Wizard of Oz: (Ashamed) I'm afraid it's true. There's no other Wizard except me.

Scarecrowette: (Angrily) You humbug!

Cowardly Lioness: (Agreeing with Scarecrowette) Yeah.

Wizard of Oz: Yes, that's exactly so. I'm a humbug.

Dick: Oh, you're a very bad man!

Wizard of Oz: Oh, no, my boy. I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.

Scarecrowette: What about the heart that you promised Tin Man?! And the courage that you promised Cowardly Lioness?!

Tin Man and Cowardly Lion: (Together) And Scarecrowette's brain?!

Wizard of Oz: Why anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from we have universities, seats of great learning, where people can go to become great thinkers and when they come out. They think deep thoughts, and with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven't got. A diploma. Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universitatus Committeeatum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D.

He presents Scarecrowette a diploma

Scarecrowette: (Surprised) Th.D?

Wizard of Oz: That's Doctor of Thinkology..

Scarecrowette: (Places her finger on her head) The sum of the square roots of two sides of a right triangle is equal to square root of the remaining side. (Happily) Oh, joy! Rapture! I've got a brain! How can I ever thank you enough?

Wizard of Oz: Well, you can't. (To Lioness) As for you, my fine friend, you're a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called heroes. Once a year, they take their fortitude out of moth balls and parade it down the main street of the city and they have no more courage than you have. But they have one thing you haven't got a medal. Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, consipicuous bravery against Wicked Witches, I award you the Triple Cross. (Presents her a medal and placed it on her fur) You are now a member of the Legion of Courage.

He Kisses Lioness

Cowardly Lioness: (Timidly) Shucks, folks, I'm speechless. (Chuckling)

Wizard of Oz: (To Tin Man) As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

Tin Man: But I still want one.

Wizard of Oz: Back where I come from, there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phila er- Good-deed-doers. And their hearts are no bigger than yours. But they have one thing you haven't got. A testimonial. Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection (Presents Tin Man a heart-shaped watch) And remember, my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love but by how much you are loved by others.

Tin Man: (Smiling) Ah! (Holds up the watch to his ear) Oh! It ticks! Listen! Look, it ticks!

Shows the watch to Dick, Scarecrowette, and Lioness

Cowardly Lioness: (Showing them his medal) Read what my medal says. "Courage." Ain't it the truth? Ain't it the truth?

Dick: Holy graduation, they're all wonderful.

Scarecrowette: Hey, what about Dick?

Tin Man Yes, how about Dick?

Cowardly Lioness: Yeah. Dick next.

Wizard of Oz: Yes. Dick.

Dick: Oh, I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.

Wizard of Oz: Well, you force me into a catactlysmic decision. The only way to get Dick back to Gotham is for me to take him there myself.

Dick: (Gasping happily) Oh, will you? Could you? Oh! Oh, but are you a clever enough wizard to manage it?

Wizard of Oz: Child, you cut me to the quick! I'm an old Gotham man myself, born and bred in the western wilderness premier balloonist par excellence to the Miracle Wonderland Carnival Company. Until one day, while performing feats of stratospheric skill never before attempted by civilized man an unfortunate phenomena occurred. The balloon failed to return to the fair.

Cowardly Lioness: It did?

Dick: Weren't you frightened?

Wizard of Oz: Frightened? You are talking to a man who has laughed in the face of death sneered at doom and chuckled at catastrophe. I was petrified. Then suddenly, the wind changed and the balloon floated down into this noble city, where I was instantly acclaimed Oz, the first wizard deluxe. Times being what they were, I accepted the job retaining my balloon against the advent of a quick getaway. (Chucking) And in that balloon, my dear Dick, you and I will return to the land of E Pluribus Unum.