So Far Yet So Close | HVL Fanfic

(16) Oh No...

MARCH 22, 2024
AROUND 12PM

LILIA'S POV

These past few days, I've been feeling not so well. Mentally speaking. Physically, I'm okay. I have this tendency that when my insecurities rise up to me and take my mind over, it's hard to get it out. I get mad at everything and everyone. Although I still do hang out with my friends, even if it's eating me, after the hangout, it gets back up. Like the seasonal flu.

This started when the pictures of the whole team were posted on social media. I'm not really the most confident person when it comes to looks. In fact, I hate what I look like. Seeing myself and comparing how ugly I look next to my teammates irritates me. I am not blaming my teammates for my insecurities. They have nothing to do with it. I am rather mad annoyed at the fact that I am not as pretty as them.

That's how it started. When physical insecurities rise up, other attributes come up with it as well. I started hating my looks, and now I have this mindset of "I can't look pretty, so might as well try do exceed on my skills or talent." But I don't have that either. I've been playing basketball for years, and yet my skills are still elementary school level. I don't tell this to people because I know they'd say something that goes, "At least you made the team." And I do not think that as an achievement. In fact, I see it as a bare minimum. That's the least I could do with my years of playing.

Then next comes my intellect. Other people see me as a nerd or someone really smart, but it's actually quite the opposite. I am not what I seem like. Me knowing random facts does not equate to me that I'm smart.

Now that I have established that I'm not pretty nor talented nor smart, I tried to make up things with my body. Hey, if I can't have a pretty face, why not have a hot smoking body? If I wasn't part of the varsity team, I would've done my old method by now, which is starving myself and over exercising. But I can't do that right now.

That's what I'm feeling right now. That I am nothing but a sore loser. I don't have anything to prove myself or anyone. I don't deserve anyone and anything.

This is probably a reason why I don't want to move on from Gaia. Because when I'm with her, these ideologies of mine completely leave my mind. Hence, it is also the reason why it hinders what I truly feel for Van Lith. That's why I don't let Kitts convince me that HVL does have feelings for me. As much as possible, I do not want that to happen. Because if what Kitts is saying are all true. I am not going to lie, Van Lith has a chance with me. But if we turned the situation around, I won't have a chance with her. This is a good thing because Van Lith is literally gorgeous and an amazing person. If you put her with someone like me, it would be a mad insult at her.

When I saw the rumors that maybe she got back with Jalen Suggs, I had mixed feelings about it. I was happy for Van Lith, but at the same time, I was also frustrated. At least, I think I am. It's probably because I kind of like the validation I get from Van Lith, and seeing it get taken away from me got me a tad jealous.

So, which is it? Do I want Van Lith, or do I just want her validation?

I do not know anymore.

Of course, I'm not really the type of person to open up. I like to keep things to myself. Or if I let my emotions out, it is the most harmful way.

I wish I could do that right now, but I can't. I already traumatized my teammates the first time they saw me, and I am not doing that again.

Now, I have a safer way to let my emotions out. I used to do this method back then, so I figured I might do it again.

Late night walks or bikes keep my cool. I wore a hoodie, putting earphones on and blasting music, putting it in the pocket, and then I took my folding bike and brought it downstairs. Once I made it to the ground floor and went outside, I started to ride my bike.