Waiting for War

kassie

i feel trapped in my own life. i know what the right thing to do is according to my mom but i also know how i feel about it all.

the right thing to do hurts and the wrong thing to do hurts worse. it's like this dichotomy of options that hurt me either way. i can't back out. i can't run away. i have to face it head on. and that sucks.

i'm past the point of being afraid for my future. i loathe it. it makes me angry. i've never felt so turned off by my situation. i'm in a cage much like i've always been but now the cage is closing in on me and there's no one to save me from myself. from my responsibilities. from my brain.

i can't sleep at night because my fate keeps me up. either i kill my cousin or i get killed. i wish i thought better of things. thought there might be some way of me living but the look on terrence's face was enough. he knew. and i knew. i was trapped. he saw it. i could tell. but no one can save me from this hell. no matter what i do it is not enough. it will never be enough. i am alone in this fight.

i wish i could complain and solve everything. they say that how you talk about a situation changes how you feel about the situation but i'm so tired and scared and alone that i can't manage to do it. i'm alone. and no one can do anything for me. this is my own stupid fight i never wanted to be a part of.

my mind winds back to my flowers growing in the daytime as i slept. those perfect delicate innocent flowers. that's what i'm here to destroy. beauty. innocence. with my own bare hands. i never asked for this. i never wanted this. but i don't have another choice. so i'm left with living my life the way i never wanted to. no matter how i look at it, it sucks.

my mom doesn't understand, why would she? she's so excited about the results of my struggle to see what it's doing to me. part of me wants to say it's all in my head. that she can see how this is affecting me but she's so happy she can't see past her own nose. i've never been one to doubt my mom or go against my mom. or disagree with people. or be this pessimistic.

i guess i just needed the right poison to feel this way. to feel hopeless. like i can't fight the impending doom coming down inside me. the idea of what i'm going to do to this world that did nothing wrong to me makes me hate my very existence but there's no way out.