Waiting for War

katie

i'm stuck in my head like i am most of the time. it's worse seeing the people who betray you. it's worse knowing they're alive and they're fine without you. knowing that you're the only one who wasn't ready for the end. and no matter what they chose you still want them in your life. like nothing is different. like you can tell them anything and they'll listen. it's lonely caring about someone whose already given up on me. already chosen to betray me.

she doesn't look happy though. i think that's the worst part. i think the fact that i pity her is what makes me hate myself more. when did she become a shell of who she used be. when did she stop caring about the things that she loved and changed herself to fit into someone she's not.

all of those late night conversations our freshman year. all of the time we spent together. and it wasn't enough. none of it was enough for us. so why did it have to happen? why was a given such an opportunity if it was going to be stolen away from me? what purpose could this hardship have in my life.

i love my friends who have stuck it out and are still on my side but it doesn't replace the others. the ones that chose to leave me behind.

and i wish it didn't hurt like this. i wish i wasn't alone in this feeling. i wish they knew how this all feels to me. but we can't talk. there's no fixing this. there's no way out. there's only me and my regrets that i didn't protect my heart better. that i let them in. that's what hurts the worst. that i trusted them.

i was stupid enough to trust anyone.