One of 10 - Nicole Lee Snsd

18. Sail on

It's a beautiful sunny hill. People are laughing. I know them all.Looks like a party where everyone is wearing white.I run up on the hill past some trees to the grand open space full of people.
Beautiful sun is blinding me softly.I hear Sunny yell and Heechul laughing. I hear Onew sing a part and is that Jessica I hear? I see TVXQ duo with three other guys with their back at  .Lee So-Man is there emerging from the five boys.
"What's going on?" Tiffany asks by my side and Donghae gives me a hug from behind.
"I called everybody back" Lee So-Man say with a smile. He gestures shrugging his shoulders.
"Why not? The past is the past, we shall all let it go.I thought we should all be together as a family again. " My jaw drop. I look at Tiffany who is smiling, Donghae is still holding me tight and is breathing in my ear.Oh I see S.E.S with flowers in their hair laughing with  H.O.T  who look exactly like they did in 1999. Everybody is here. Yuri and Taeyeon are down the hill blowing big bubbles.I move towards them with the sun and breeze on my face Donghae with me. I don't need to find everyone because I know everyone is here. In the corner of my eye I see what looks like 20 men stomping the ground and dancing. I know it's the complete Super Junior.

Everybody is here. Everything is not as it was, it seems that everything is better than ever.I can't believe Lee So-Man did this I'm so relieved.Nobody pays attention to me everybody is laughing and smiling with their groups or friends.Henry and Amber are dancing it's (fx) Oh Sulli returned.Minho is running passed me with a kite and others run after him.I see Taeyeon and Yuri with a picknick basket I hear Sunny laugh and yell in the background.I don't need to call her I know she will come when it's time to eat. I know Hyoyeon is riding a bike on the other side.But she will also come . Behind our hill are gigantic mountains and valleys. Oh all girls are here. My face is blinded by the sun but I see a tiny bit of Yoona and Sooyoung.
"Nicole help me with" Taeyeon say. My eyes see wallpaper.

It was a dream.It was a dream!?The sun was actually blinding me outside the window where the leaves had started to turn yellow.I flew up and pulled the drapes.I jumped back into bed and tried to be back on the hill. I couldn't do it.It was just me but I was embarrased.How could I think it was real?I woke up with tears on my face.I tossed and turned.

I cried that I wasn't tired anymore and I was mad at the sun for waking me up. A toss here and a stomp up and I was all of a sudden in my kitchen and with the morning coffee dripping.The dream really messed me up.I have had very authentic dreams since I was little.This dream was so real the biggest surprise to me was that outside was not July.As I sipped my coffe I thought that dream is absolutely impossible.Actually it is not impossible as far as I am concerned everybody is still alive.

The Tinker Bell movies are my favorite movies from "Disney."Before I left the company I realized the departure felt like large human hands coming and ripping my wings off.
"Ok sit still just gonna get these off since you won't need them anymore and your leaving our village" A deep voice say in my mind .Just because I decided to go a different direction.I cried when I thought about it. So damn close to what I was feeling.
I wouldn't be able to fly anymore. I wasn't part of it anymore.I had left now.For weeks I didn't leave my apartment.In the beginning I just benched the Kdramas that came out around this time and others that I never had time to watch before. Late at night one time I snook out and I walked the pavement I walked before. There it was in front of me the spot Jessica and Sunny sprayed the graffiti.Were Sooyoung had stood singing . It was too quiet. I drove around Seoul the next couple of days and went back to the places we filmed videos and commercials. Always at night. I also went back to the old SM neighborhood when I was a trainee.And were Sooyoung and Yuri and I met up with Kiki and FT ISLAND. That was 10 years ago.I had to sit down on a bench and take a moment.10 Years wow.I mean I knew it, but going to the places  where time stood still confused me. Many things looked exactly the same, like the members and a camera crew is behind me right now and other places and been torn down and replaced with something else.Don't know which was worse.But there was something about that tough. I only went out at night past 11 pm.What was I afraid of? One day I did decide to go out mid-day and I had a problem with it.

"Snsd Nicole arent you!?" a girl asks me
"Yeah that me" I say and nod.
"Wow! That's awsome!" She said and beamed at me.
"Bye, have a lovely day" I say and walk away.
"You too!" She say behind me and run to tell her friends.
'Snsd Nicole? I'm still being called that?I guess my wings didn't get ripped off'I thought and felt 30 kg lighter. This was in October 4 days after it was all over the news that we had left SM.