falling for 13 || Johnny Kavanagh

Losing My Shit

J O H N N Y

I couldn't get her out of my head. It had been days since the rain-soaked argument, but her voice still echoed in my mind. 'Why do you go after every other girl but me? Am I really that bad?'

Bad? She thought she wasn't enough? Fucking hell. The idea of it twisted me up inside. Grace Lynch, who had this insane ability to make me feel like I was constantly walking a tightrope between wanting to absolutely clock her and wanting to...

Well, that was the problem, wasn't it?

I couldn't shake her. Couldn't get her out of my system, no matter how hard I tried. And believe me, I had been trying. All through classes, during training, even when I was out with the lads. Every time I saw her, I felt like I was being pulled in a thousand different directions at once, and none of them made any sense.

And then there was him. gCian fucking Starkey.

It was impossible to avoid them now. They were always around school together, laughing at something, her hand brushing his arm, or him slinging his arm around her like he owned her. Every time I saw them, it felt like a punch to the gut, though I'd never admit that out loud.

There they were again. I caught sight of them near the canteen, Grace leaning against the lockers, her head tipped back as she laughed at something Cian was saying. Starkey looked down at her with this stupid, satisfied grin, like he was the luckiest bastard in the world. It made my blood boil.

I stopped mid-step, my hands clenching into fists at my sides. Why him? He wasn't even good for her. He was a cocky little shit with a slick smile who thought he was king of the world just because he could run with a stick in hand.

Grace deserved better than him. But then again, she also deserved better than me. And that's where I was stuck.

"Cap, you've got that look again." Gibsie's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I glanced over to see him standing next to me, a knowing smirk on his face, like he already knew exactly where my mind had gone.

"What look?" I muttered, turning away from Grace and Cian before I did something stupid, like march over there and punch Starkey in the face.

Gibsie rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. "The 'I'm pretending not to care about Grace Lynch but I actually care way too much' look. You've had it since the start of the year."

I glared at him. "I don't know what you're on about."

"Sure you don't," Gibsie said with a snort, his grin widening. "Come on, Johnny. It's obvious. Everyone sees it. You've got it bad for her."

I stiffened at his words, my jaw clenching. "I don't have it bad for anyone."

Gibsie raised an eyebrow, his expression skeptical. "Yeah? So why do you look like you're about to punch Starkey's face in every time you see them together?"

I gritted my teeth, refusing to answer that. Gibsie didn't need to know the details, and I sure as hell wasn't about to spill my guts about how seeing Grace with someone else drove me fucking insane.

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he studied me. "Look, I don't get why you don't just tell her. You know she used to be mad about you, right? And it's not like she's completely over you. You two are like magnets—pushing away, pulling back. It's exhausting just to watch."

I ran a hand through my hair, still feeling the weight of it after our conversation in the rain. How I'd almost kissed her. How I'd pulled her into me, my fingers tangling in her soaked hair, her lips so close I could practically taste the rain on them—and then she pulled back.

Cian. Starkey. That fucker.

And yet, as much as I wanted to be angry with her, it wasn't her fault. Not really. I was the one who'd screwed it all up. I was the one who went after other girls, trying to bury whatever it was I felt for her. Trying to convince myself she wasn't someone I needed to worry about, when every part of me knew that was bullshit. Grace was always there, at the back of my mind, gnawing away at whatever resolve I had.

I let out a breath, shoving my hands into my pockets, my jaw still tight. "It doesn't matter," I muttered. "She's with Starkey now."

"Doesn't matter?" Gibsie laughed, shoving my shoulder. "Lad, you're telling me it doesn't matter when you're practically staring holes into the back of Starkey's head every time you see them together?"

"I don't care," I insisted, though even I didn't believe it.

Gibsie just shook his head, still grinning like he knew something I didn't. "Look, Johnny, I get it. You're a stubborn prick who doesn't like to admit when he's in over his head. But, this is Grace. You're in deep, and everyone knows it but you."

I gritted my teeth, staring down at the ground. Of course I was in deep. I knew that the moment I felt that rush when I pulled her into me in the rain. But what was I supposed to do now? Grace had moved on. She had Starkey.

"She's with him, Gibsie," I said quietly, feeling the weight of the words settle in my chest. "It's done."

Gibsie eyed me for a second, then glanced over toward Grace and Starkey by the lockers. Grace was still laughing, her head tilted back, her hand lightly tapping Starkey's arm. From an outsider's perspective, they probably looked happy. Like everything was just peachy between them.

But I could see it. The small, tense moments when she thought no one was looking. How she smiled at Starkey, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. I saw it, and it only made the knot in my chest tighter.

Gibsie clapped me on the shoulder, dragging me back to the present. "Well, if you don't do something soon, you'll be watching this same scene for the next year. And trust me, Kav, I'm getting bored of watching you self-destruct every time you see them together."

I gave him a half-hearted shove. "Cheers for the sympathy."

He laughed again, walking ahead. "Anytime. But seriously, you know where I am when you finally stop pretending this doesn't bother you."

I watched him walk off, my mind still spinning. I glanced over at Grace again, only to see her catch my eye, if just for a second. She didn't hold my gaze for long, though—just long enough for my stomach to flip and for that familiar ache to settle in my chest.

Then she turned away, leaning in closer to Starkey as they walked off toward their next class.