falling for 13 || Johnny Kavanagh

It's Not Your Fault

G R A C E

I felt sick to my stomach as I entered Ballylagin's GAA club, my arms wrapped tightly around myself. The sound of lads shouting, and the thud of hurls meeting sliotars filled the air, but I was barely aware of any of it. All I could focus on was him. Cian was out there, on the pitch, laughing, and joking with the lads like he hadn't ruined my life, of course his face was destroyed, and bruised, which I knew was courtesy of Johnny- I knew from his bright red, cut knuckles when he came back to me.

Joey was out there warming up with the lads on the team, completely unaware of what I was about to tell him. The thought of Joey finding out had been gnawing at me for weeks, but I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I spotted Joey, Alec, and Podge all stretching in a corner. I couldn't hear their conversation from where I was standing, but Joey looked calm, and happy for once. He caught sight of me first, his face lighting up with the familiar protective big brother smile, even though we were one year apart because my father has trouble keeping it in his pants. But as I got closer to Joey, his smile faded. Most likely because he saw mine.

"Grace, what's wrong?" His brows furrowed, and he took a step closer. Alec and Podge stopped what they were doing, like they sensed something was up.

I opened my mouth to say something, but the words got caught in my throat. Joey knew something was wrong- he always did - and I was completely struggling to tell him what it was, because this was the kind of wrong that can't be undone. "I need to talk to you" I managed, my voice was barely above a whisper.

Joey's frown deepened, and he glanced at Alec and Podge, who exchanged a look before nodding and walking away. "You're making me shit bricks, Grace, what's the story?"

"It's Cian" I whispered, my voice was shaking.

The change in Joey was instant. His face darkened, and his whole body tensed. It was like he knew exactly what was coming. His eyes darted toward where Cian was on the field, and it was obvious a storm was brewing. "What about the little fucker?" Joey's voice was low, like he was about to erupt.

I couldn't look at him, I couldn't speak, I stared at the ground, my entire body was shaking.

"Grace" Joey said, "Do you remember when we were small, Dad would force Mam into any room in the house, lock the door, after a while he'd come out, fixing his jeans, and she'd be bawling her eyes out?" He asked, I remembered it exactly, and that's when I realised my Father was doing to my Mother what Cian had done to me.

I nodded, still shaking.

"Did Starky do that to you?" He asked, nothing but rage filled his face.

Tears fell down my cheeks as I nodded in agreement.

For a moment, Joey didn't move. He just stood there, staring at me, his face twisted in shock, along with a level of anger I'd never seen before. Then without a word, hurl in hand, he turned on his heel and started marching toward the pitch.

"Joey wait!" I cried out, panic flooding into my body. But it was too late. Joey was already halfway there, to where Cian was standing with the lads. Alec and Podge, who had been watching from a distance, quickly caught up with my brother, sensing something was wrong.

"Joey relax, boy!" Alec said, grabbing Joey's arm, trying to slow him down. "Whats going on?"

Joey didn't even look at him. His voice was cold, flat, "Starky raped my little sister."

Time seemed to stop as he said those words. The blood drained from Alec and Podge's faces as they processed Joey's words. For a second, none of them moved, the weight of what Joey had just said hanging heavy in the air. I wasn't expecting them to care, they were my brother's best friends, but I'd barely talked to them in my sixteen years on this earth, aside from us slagging each other of course. As if a switch flipped, their faces hardened just like Joey's.

Without another word, Joey broke into a sprint, charging straight for Cian, his hurl gripped tight in his hand. Cian didn't even see it coming.

The first crack of the hurl hitting Cian's ribs echoed across the pitch, loud and violent. Cian staggered, gasping in pain, but Joey didn't stop. He swung again, this time catching Cian across the back, sending him sprawling to the ground.

The pitch exploded into chaos. Lads from both teams were shouting, running toward Joey to pull him off Cian, swinging his hurl like a possessed man fresh out of an institution. Alec and Podge were there too, hurl's in hand, ready to back Joey up. "You creepy piece of fucking shit!" Joey roared, his voice raw with nothing other than fury. "You raped my little sister you sick cunt!"

Players from the Na Piarsigh team started to beat the shit out of Ballylagin players, all because Joey pushed a fella who was trying to pull him off. It was like a civil war, seriously I'd never seen anything like it. Worst of all, it was completely my fault.

Joey swung the hurl one more time, this time completely belting Cian across the face. Joey's white and yellow jersey was covered in blood. Cian was balled up on the ground, groaning in pain. The coaches and umpires didn't even try to pull Joey away, like they were terrified of my brother. "You'r dead" Joey spat, "You're fucking dead, Starky."

Alec grabbed Joey's arm, trying to pull him back, as someone shouted the Gards were being called. "Joey that's enough, boy! You'll kill him."

Unsurprisingly, Joey didn't listen. He lunged at Cian again, this time Podge and another player managed to wrestle him back, dragging him away from Cian's battered body. Cian was barely conscious, his face swollen, and his body curled up on the ground in pain.

"Let me go!" Joey roared, thrashing against the lads who were holding him back. "I'm gonna fucking kill him!"

Alec stepped infront of Joey, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. "Joey, stop! You've done enough!"

Joey's chest was heaving, his eyes filled with rage. I thought he might try break free again, but then his eyes flickered to me. His face softened slightly, and he stopped fighting, letting the lads pull him away.

I ran over to Joey, tears streaming down my face. "Joe, I'm sorry" I sobbed, clutching onto him. "I didn't want-"

"Don't even think of apologising, Grace" Joey cut me off, "This isn't your fault, none of it, alright?"

I shook my head, "But-"

"No" Joey said firmly, pulling me into a hug. "He's the one who should be sorry, not you."

I clung to my brother, my chest was aching. Around us, the chaos was still unfolding- lads shouting, trying to make sense of what had happened, some of them sprinting to check on Cian, unaware of why Joey did what he did. But in that moment, all that I could focus on was my brother, who had gone to war for me.